A teacher says "OK, class. Today we're going to be talking about the tenses. If I say 'I'm beautiful,' what tense am I using?"

A boy raises his hand and says, "Obviously the past tense, Miss."

 

When a storm blew in around our cruise ship, an older woman on deck struggled to hang on to her hat and keep her skirt from flaring up at the same time. My wife ran over to help. “Should I hold your skirt down?” she asked.

“Forget about that,” the woman yelled.

“I’ve got an 85-year-old body. This hat is brand-new.”

 

His new hybrid car was my friend’s pride and joy. He was always bragging about it and boring his buddies to death. As he was giving us a ride one day, he pontificated, “They should have a special lane for people who care about the environment.”

“They already do,” came a voice from the backseat.

“It’s called a sidewalk.”

 

I was presiding over a wedding when the best man asked if I wouldn’t mind also keeping an eye on the gift table. “There are a few people here the newlyweds don’t trust around all that money,” he confided.

“Then why on earth were they invited?” I asked.

Looking at me as if I were nuts, he said, “They’re family.”

 

I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"

 

"What letters?" I answered slyly.

 

"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."

 

 

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.

"Great," she said.

I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.

"I don’t want this box," she said abruptly. "It’s been opened."

 

I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot—the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.

 

When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."