My wife received a credit-card application in the mail that she had not requested. She didn't want it, but I did. So I crossed off my wife's name on the form, entered my own and returned the application. I soon got a phone call from a woman saying my application had been rejected. I asked her why, and she told me the card could only be issued to the person originally solicited by the offer. However, she invited me to reapply, which I did during the same telephone call. A few days later I got another call to tell me my second application had been rejected. Why? The woman told me their files showed that I had previously applied for a card and had been denied.    --Sanford P. Blank

On his way to perform at a graveside service, the bagpiper gets lost. After many wrong turns, he finally arrives, but the minister and mourners have already gone. Only the grave diggers remain, and they're eating lunch. Not knowing what else to do, the bagpiper begins to play. The workers put down their lunches and weep as the man plays "Amazing Grace." When he finishes, he packs up his bagpipes and heads for his car. As he opens the door, he hears one of the workers say, "I've never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

Hoping to lose some weight, my wife told me she wanted to get an exercise bicycle. I reminded her that she had a very nice and rather expensive bike in the garage. She explained that she wanted a stationary one."Your bicycle has been stationary," I remarked. "That's why you need to lose ten pounds."    --Jim White

An employment website boasted that it provided training, counseling, and placement services. What's more, "many services are available in Spanish, and we arrange interrupters." --Clara Emlen

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears. "What are you?" asks the cat. "A gnome," comes the reply. "I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy, and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?" The cat replies, "Um, I'm a gnome." Submitted by Blake Kiltoff

A couple is awoken at 3 am by loud pounding on their front door. The husband goes to see who it is and finds a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain and howling wind.
\"I need a push,\" says the man.
\"Not a chance. It\'s three o\'clock in the morning,\" says the husband and slams the door shut.
\"Who was that?\" asks his wife.
\"Oh, just some drunk asking for a push.\"
\"Why didn\'t you help him?\" she scolds. \"Don\'t you remember when we broke down and those two men came to our aid?\"
So the husband goes downstairs again and out into the rain. \"Do you still need a push?\" he calls into the darkness.
\"Yes, please,\" comes the reply.
\"Where are you?\"
\"Just over here on the swing.\" O. White