A teacher says "OK, class. Today we're going to be talking about the tenses. If I say 'I'm beautiful,' what tense am I using?"

A boy raises his hand and says, "Obviously the past tense, Miss."

 

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.”

His response: “Receipts.”

 

The dynamic young saleswoman was offering a lot of unsolicited advice as my mother was trying on pants. Each time Mom came out of the dressing room, it was “Too short” or “Too baggy” or “No, no, no. Wrong color.”

It ended when my mother stepped out and heard, “Those are the worst yet.”

“These,” Mom said, “are mine.”

 

In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine’s Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."

I should have known better than to take my four-year-old son shopping with me. I spent the entire time in the mall chasing after him.

Finally, I'd had it. "Do you want a stranger to take you?!" I scolded.

Thrilled, he yelled back, "Will he take me to the zoo?"

Filicia, my sleepy five-year-old niece, slipped into my bed just as my husband was heading downstairs to prepare breakfast.
“Why do you hate eggs, Auntie?” she asked me.
“Who said I hate eggs?” I replied.
“But,” she said, “I just heard you ask Uncle Anthony to break a few eggs and beat them up for you!”