A married couple have been out shopping for hours when the wife realizes that her husband has disappeared.

So she calls his cell phone.

 

"Where are you!?" she yells.

 

"Darling," he says, "do you remember that jewelry shop, the one where you saw that diamond necklace you loved? But I didn't have enough money at the time, so I said, 'Baby, it will be yours one day'?"

 

"Yes! she shouts, excitedly."

 

"Well, I'm in the bar next door."

His new hybrid car was my friend’s pride and joy. He was always bragging about it and boring his buddies to death. As he was giving us a ride one day, he pontificated, “They should have a special lane for people who care about the environment.”

“They already do,” came a voice from the backseat.

“It’s called a sidewalk.”

 

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.

"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there’s no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"

"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I’m putting on my shoes!"

 

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The driver - seeing that they were wasted - decided to pull a fast one. So he switched the engine on, then quickly switched it off and announced, "We're here!"
The first guy handed him the fare, and said, "Thanks." But the third guy just angrily smacked the cabbie's head.
"What was that for?" asked the cabbie, afraid that he'd been caught.
"That," said the passenger, "is for driving too fast!"

 

 

Two buddies were watching the game when one turned to his friend and said,

“You won’t believe it. All last night I kept dream- ing of a horse and the number five. So I went to the track, put $500 on the fifth horse in the fifth race, and you won’t believe what happened.”

“Did he win?” “Nah,” the guy said. “He came in fifth.”

 

“Honey, I have good news and bad news,” a man tells his wife. “What is it?” she asks.

“First, I think I’m losing my voice,” he croaks.

“So,” his wife says, “what’s the bad news?”

The teenage boy seemed placid as I approached his hospital bed to give him a psychiatric evaluation. His mother was seated nearby, immersed in her knitting.

 

I walked over and introduced myself to the boy. He looked right through me and started screaming: “I can’t see! I can’t see!”

 

I had never witnessed such a dramatic example of hysterical blindness. “How long has this been going on?” I asked his mother.

 

Without looking up, she replied, “Ever since you stepped in front of his television.”