I finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea for her to learn to text.

Her first message to me?

"Whereisthespacebar?"

 

When a storm blew in around our cruise ship, an older woman on deck struggled to hang on to her hat and keep her skirt from flaring up at the same time. My wife ran over to help. “Should I hold your skirt down?” she asked.

“Forget about that,” the woman yelled.

“I’ve got an 85-year-old body. This hat is brand-new.”

 

A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.

"Great," she said.

I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.

"I don’t want this box," she said abruptly. "It’s been opened."

 

A man was driving down the street in a lather because he had an important meeting and couldn’t fi nd a parking space. Looking up to heaven, he said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you fi nd me a parking space, I promise to go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up swearing.”

Miraculously, a spot opened right in front of the building. The man looked up and said, “Never mind. I found one.”

 

My husband bought an exercise machine to help him shed a few pounds. He set it up in the basement but didn’t use it much, so he moved it to the bedroom. It gathered dust there, too, so he put it in the living room.

Weeks later I asked how it was going. "I was right," he said. "I do get more exercise now. Every time I close the drapes, I have to walk around the machine."

A couple are getting ready for bed after a long day’s work.
“I look in the mirror, and I see an old lady,” the woman says to her husband. “My face is all wrinkled, and I’m sagging and bagging all over. And look at this flab on my arms.”
Her husband is silent.
“Hey!” she says, turning to him. “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
“Well,” he says, “your eyesight is still great.”

 

I took four tires to a friend's garage sale and was asking $30 a piece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.
"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"
"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.
When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.
"Fifteen dollars each."
"Who bought them?"
"I did!"