My six-year-old son was excited about his Halloween costume. "I'm going to be the Pope," he said. "Ian, you can't be the Pope," I said. "You're not Catholic. You're Lutheran." Ian hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked, "Is Dracula a Lutheran?" --Jenny Crane

A fellow cop from our precinct had only a few months left on the job, and he could always be heard ticking off the weeks, days, hours and minutes. Our chief was not amused."I've been on the job for 43 years, and I've never counted off the days until I'm outta here," he said.I couldn't help agreeing with him. "That's because everyone else is counting for you." --Jesse Thatcher

My sister explained to my nephew how his voice would eventually change as he grew up. Tyler was exuberant at the prospect. "Cool!" he said. "I hope I get a German accent." --Staci Bailey

Justice isn't just blind—it's snickering at these real courtroom give-and-takes: Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie? Witness: Yes. I would go to hell. Judge: Is that all? Witness: Isn't that enough? Q: Isn't it a fact that you have been running around with another woman? A: Yes, it is, but you can't prove it! Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth? A: A fifth of wine? Q: No, the Fifth Amendment. Q: What did your sister die of? A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary: BFF: Best Friend Fainted BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth CBM: Covered by Medicare FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

 My wife was in her gynecologist's busy waiting room when a cell phone rang. A woman answered it, and for the next few minutes, she explained to her caller in intimate detail her symptoms and what she suspected might be wrong. Suddenly the conversation shifted, and the woman said, "Him? That's over." Then she added, "Can we talk about this later? It's rather personal, and I'm in a room full of people."    --Alan Roberts

As a single, never-married woman in my 40s, I have been questioned endlessly about my status by friends, relatives and co-workers. Over the years I've noticed a subtle change in the nature of their inquiries. In my teens, friends would ask, "Who are you going out with this weekend?" In my 20s, relatives would say, "Who are you dating?" In my 30s, co-workers might inquire, "So, are you dating anyone?" Now people ask, "Where did you get that adorable purse?" --Mary A. Elder