A man is pulled over by a police officer for a broken headlight. The cop looks in the car and sees a collection of knives on the backseat. "Sir," he says. "Why do you have all those knives?" "They're for my juggling act," the man replies. "Prove it," says the cop.The man gets out of the car and begins juggling the knives just as two men drive by. "Man," says one guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."     --Basil W. Hendrickson

I was a percussion major when I was in college, and during a rehearsal of the student orchestra, my section kept making mistakes."When you're too dumb to play anything," the professor conducting us sneered, "they give you a couple of sticks, put you in the back and call you a percussionist."A friend next to me whispered, "And if you're too dumb to hang on to both sticks, they put you in the front and call you a conductor."  --Jim Lopardo, Lansdale, Pennsylvania

When his drink arrived, my brother-in-law Keith asked the waitress for a straw. "Sorry, I'm out," she said, sounding irritated. "The customers won't stop asking for them." "Well," joked Keith, "they must all be germaphobes." "No," she said, "they're mostly locals." --Steven Faile

Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep. --Comic Kevin Tor

To show his appreciation, a newly hired Japanese office worker bought his boss chocolates. But when he found the box unopened, the insulted worker went ballistic, destroying 22 computers. "I wish the company president had cared a little more," the employee’s lawyer said.

I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," the cheery salesperson replied. "And what about Salt Lake City?" "We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99," she said "But there is a stopover." "Where?" "In Denver," she said.    --Chris Lewis

On a recent trip to the post office, I took a few minutes to read the notices posted on the public bulletin board in the lobby. One in particular caught my eye. It read “Lost in post-office parking lot, small boa constrictor, family pet, will not attack. Reward.”Below the notice someone had written, in what appeared to be very shaky handwriting: “Please, would you mind posting another notice when you find your boa? Thank you.”    --Susan Esbensen