My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. For the question "To what do you attribute your fitness issues?" the woman wrote "Horrendous eating habits.""What makes you say that?" my friend asked.The woman replied, "I can't spell atrocious."  --LA Perryman

Shortly after the FAA announced the ban on fluids, my husband was stopped by airport security because they found a bottle of water in one of his carry-on bags."Sorry," the officer said, tossing the bottle into a bin of confiscated items, "but water is now considered a liquid."  --Laurie Tone, Franklin, Tennessee

My brother delivered prescriptions to people too ill to go out. Since the neighborhoods he visited were often unsafe, he decided to get some protection."Why do you need a pistol?" asked the clerk at the gun shop. My brother had to explain, "I deliver drugs at night and carry a lot of money."  --Laura Loftis

Some people have a knack for remembering faces. Others, according to this e-mail I received at work, go them one better: "The only designated smoking area at Building One is at the picnic benches, under the covered area, where the butt distinguishers are."   --Krista Reed

The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbor tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It's human nature."  --Kent Kollmer, Somerset, New Jersey

For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. "What's this?" he asked."Guess," I said coyly."I have no idea," he said. "It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster's cage."  --Kathleen Waters

I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru. There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window. "We're still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker," the clerk scolded.I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich. "I'm sorry," she said, "we are now serving lunch."  --Kathleen Corlione, Lake Mary, Florida