A job interviewer asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I said, "Ideally, suspended with pay."

The Twitter account @MettingBoy invites viewers to gripe about work. Some of our favourite responses:

- Hey, everybody! My boss is running a special on poorly thought-out, unworkable ideas today. The discount code is YESSIR.

- Making up new words for business jargon embiggens us all.

- Is he replaceable? Only if there's a 180-pound rock that can keep his chair in place.

At the busy dental office where I work, on patient was always late. Once when I called to confirm an appointment, he said, "I'll be about 15 minutes late. That won't be a problem, will it?"

 

"No," I told him. "We just won't have time to give you an anesthetic."

 

He arrived early.

 

I was working as a senior secretary at a small accounting firm when one day my boss realized that a costly mistake had been made on a client's financial statement. It had already been mailed out, and my boss was expecting the client to call in an uproar as soon as the mistake was discovered. He was in a quandary as to how to explain the error. Although it was his fault, I magnanimously told him: "Well, why don't you blame it on me? That way the client won't be as upset with you." "No, that won't work," he said. "That's what I always tell them."

A guy shows up late for work, so the boss yells, "You should have been here at 8.30!"

"Why?" the guy asks. "What happened at 8.30?"

A coworker stormed into my friend's office, yelling, "Did you tell Joan I was a witch?!" Stunned, my friend sputtered, "No! I don't know how she found out."

I was waiting with my brother, Sid, at the doctor's office. When the receptionist pulled Sid's file, she noted there were two files with the same name. He explained that he and his father had the same name, but that his father had passed away.

The receptionist said,"So one of you is dead and the other isn't."

"That is correct," Sid said.

"Which one are you?" she asked, pointing to the files.

"The live one, I hope!" Sid replied.