After a husband and wife have a heated argument, the wife calls her mother.

"He fought with me again! I'm coming over to live with you."

"No, no. darling," plied the mother.

"He must pay for his mistake. I'm coming to live with you."

 

 

A married couple have been out shopping for hours when the wife realizes that her husband has disappeared.

So she calls his cell phone.

 

"Where are you!?" she yells.

 

"Darling," he says, "do you remember that jewelry shop, the one where you saw that diamond necklace you loved? But I didn't have enough money at the time, so I said, 'Baby, it will be yours one day'?"

 

"Yes! she shouts, excitedly."

 

"Well, I'm in the bar next door."

I finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea for her to learn to text.

Her first message to me?

"Whereisthespacebar?"

 

A teacher says "OK, class. Today we're going to be talking about the tenses. If I say 'I'm beautiful,' what tense am I using?"

A boy raises his hand and says, "Obviously the past tense, Miss."

 

When a storm blew in around our cruise ship, an older woman on deck struggled to hang on to her hat and keep her skirt from flaring up at the same time. My wife ran over to help. “Should I hold your skirt down?” she asked.

“Forget about that,” the woman yelled.

“I’ve got an 85-year-old body. This hat is brand-new.”

 

His new hybrid car was my friend’s pride and joy. He was always bragging about it and boring his buddies to death. As he was giving us a ride one day, he pontificated, “They should have a special lane for people who care about the environment.”

“They already do,” came a voice from the backseat.

“It’s called a sidewalk.”