As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet." "Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked coyly. "No," he said. "But it costs just as much." --Eilene Cook

I was having some chest pains, but my cardiologist assured me nothing was wrong. Then I told him I was planning a cruise to Alaska and asked if he had any suggestions for avoiding the discomfort. "Have fun," he said with a straight face, "but don't go overboard." --Les Wandel

My husband, an attorney, is frequently consulted by clients who, after learning what the cost of legal services will be, decide to do without his aid. Recently the elderly minister of a small, struggling church came in with a legal problem. After patiently listening to an explanation of my husband's fees, he left the office with a prudent: "Thank you, sir, but I believe I'll just pray this one through." --Jan Lyons

Did you hear about the college professor who was involved in a terrible car wreck? He was grading papers on a curve. --Jack R. Kiser

Man Found Dead in Lake Was a Lonely Drifter

My friend’s husband, Ray, is a state trooper and enjoys sharing the excuses people use when stopped for speeding. One day, however, the tables were turned. Ray maintains an aquarium of exotic fish, and a prized specimen had threatened to turn belly up. The off-duty officer called a pet store, and they advised him to immediately purchase a special additive that would correct the water’s pH. Ray and his wife jumped into the car and rushed to the store. A state trooper signaled them to pull over. “Go ahead,” Ray’s wife said. “Tell him you’ve got a sick fish!” --Debra McVey

After I spoke at a grade school assembly about veterans, a student asked, "Were you ever in a war?" "Yes, two," I said. "World War II and Korea." The girl's follow-up question: "Which war did you like best?" --William Holmes