Life

sides of the family turned out for my wife's university graduation. After the dean finished awarding all the diplomas, he requested, "Will all the cum laudes please stand?"My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids."

though we were on a shoestring student budget, my wife insisted we pay off the hospital bill when our son was born. Now we had to figure out how to meet our other financial obligations.We were discussing this one night when the baby began crying for a nappy change. As my wife picked him up, she sighed, "He's the only thing in this house that's paid for, and he leaks."

was shopping at the mall with my four-year-old son, Seth, when he ran ahead of me down the escalator. As I followed him down, I spotted him in a fountain, fishing for coins. His winter boots were keeping his feet dry while he scooped up the money. Through clenched teeth, I hissed, "Seth, get out of there!" He looked up at me coming down the escalator and hollered, "But, Mum! It's real money!"

of us in the driver-safety class were stumped. We simply didn't have an answer for the instructor's question. So he called on a soft-spoken man and posed the situation to him. "What's the difference between an aggressive driver and a driver suffering from road rage?""A gun," came the answer.

afternoon my mother went shopping and returned a few hours later with ten new dresses."Ten!" Dad hollered. "What could any woman possibly want with ten new dresses?"Mum replied in a calm voice: "Ten new pairs of shoes."

were coming over and I was frantically trying to get the house ready. I was also driving my family crazy, barking out orders to pick up, help set the table and not to mess up the living room.While I was cleaning the kitchen, I realised I'd pushed them too far. '"Mary," I snapped at my 12-year-old daughter, "where's the broom?""I don't know, Mum," she fired back. "Where did you put it when y

mother, who is 93, lives simply but comfortably in an assisted-living home. Even though she has ample savings, she is always worried about the state of her finances.My brother-in-law tried to ease her mind by telling her, ''I've calculated that, given your expenses, you have enough money for at least the next 16 years.''''That's fine, '' Mum replied, ''but how will I manage after that?''

parents had one of those old-time rotary telephones. This drove my brother crazy. Once, he misdialled a long-distance number and had to do it all over again. ''Mum,'' he asked in frustration, ''why don't you replace this thing with a touch-tone phone?''''If we did,'' my mother said, ''your father would never get any exercise.''

a year our church group holds a sale to raise money for its youth group. At our last sale, just as we finished putting everything out, a middle-aged man arrived in a huff. Growling, he yanked two sports coats and a few suits off the clothes rack, then stomped over to the payment table, where a puzzled volunteer asked if everything was all right."I don't know what the world is coming to," the

my former boss, has a lot of kids -- nine to be exact. Flying to a business meeting, he was chatting with his seatmate about family and was surprised to hear the man say, "I wish I had nine kids.""You don't really know what you're wishing for," Paul cautioned."Yes, I do," came the reply. "I have thirteen."