Life

notice you always walk through a door first when you're with a man, '' I said to my friend Connie, an English teacher. ''But if you're with a woman, you let her ahead of you.''''Of course, '' she smirked. ''I before he, except after she.''

some reason the bookstore clerk couldn't get the computer to recognise my preferred customer card. Peering over her shoulder at the screen, I said, ''There's part of the problem. It shows my birth date as 31/12/1899.''''That's right, '' my husband chimed in. ''She was born in June, not December.''

had been a long time ? seven years to be exact ? since my friend Brian had been to see his doctor. The nurse told him that if he wanted to make an appointment, he would have to be reprocessed as a new patient.''OK, '' said Brian, ''reprocess me.''''I'm sorry, '' she told him. ''We're not accepting any new patients.''

over my son's homework on antonyms, I was surprised to realise how much he'd paid attention to my indecisive shopping habits. Next to the word ''bought'' he neatly printed its opposite, ''returned.''

husband, Tony, and I were grocery shopping. As we were going down an aisle, I said, ''Honey, I know I went down this aisle for a reason, but it's left me.''''Sorry to disappoint you, '' a stranger's voice behind me replied, ''but so has your honey.''

neighbour's 16-year-old daughter, who helps out with odd jobs in our yard, was telling us that her boyfriend had landed his first summer job at a local resort. ''He's coming over today, '' she said, ''so I can show him how to start a lawnmower and use a weed whacker.''

former pastor was promoted to bishop and recently showed up at a family gathering in his new clerical garb. My 25-year-old daughter was clearly impressed. Pointing to the gold cross hanging around his neck, she said, ''Nice bling.''

and a half agonising hours at the Department of Motor Vehicles put me in a foul mood. I was still in a funk when I stopped at a store to buy a baseball bat for my son. ''Cash or charge?'' the young female clerk asked. ''Cash, '' I snapped. Then I quickly apologised. ''I'm sorry. I just spent half the day in line at the DMV.'' ''Would you like me to wrap the bat, '' she chirped, ''or do you

I don't play enforcer for the grammar police, but when a local fast food store put up the sign ''THEIR HERE ? CRISPY WINGS!'' I had to call. ''Several people have told us, and we are correcting it, '' a young woman said cheerfully. ''But thank you.''The next day the sign read: ''THERE HERE ? CRISPY WINGS!'' I phoned again. This time I got a chilly ''Yes, we know.''Two days later, I dro

With five kids plus foster children, my cousin bought a huge van for the whole gang. Since four kids are under age ten, she chose this vanity plate: