Life

some reason the bookstore clerk couldn't get the computer to recognise my preferred customer card. Peering over her shoulder at the screen, I said, ''There's part of the problem. It shows my birth date as 31/12/1899.''''That's right, '' my husband chimed in. ''She was born in June, not December.''

had been a long time ? seven years to be exact ? since my friend Brian had been to see his doctor. The nurse told him that if he wanted to make an appointment, he would have to be reprocessed as a new patient.''OK, '' said Brian, ''reprocess me.''''I'm sorry, '' she told him. ''We're not accepting any new patients.''

over my son's homework on antonyms, I was surprised to realise how much he'd paid attention to my indecisive shopping habits. Next to the word ''bought'' he neatly printed its opposite, ''returned.''

arrival at Gatwick Air-port, near London, I got in the foreign visitors line. My husband, an English citizen, headed for British Customs. I handed the officer my passport. ''Purpose of trip?'' he asked.''Pleasure, '' I replied. ''I'm on my honeymoon.''''Interesting, '' the officer said, stamping a page. ''Most women bring their husbands with them.''

about my son's safety in the pool, I put every conceivable protective device on him: water wings, life jacket, snorkel, earplugs, nose clips. As my kid waddled towards the water, he asked, ''Mum, do you think I'll sink if I jump in?''Looking at him buried under all that gear, I had to laugh. ''Honey, I don't even think you'll get wet.''

I approached my local supermarket's checkout counter, the bagger spied my two carts filled with groceries.Holding up a paper bag and a plastic bag, he gave me my options, courtesy of his unique environmental perspective: ''Kill a tree or choke a fish?''

bought a liquid-crystal sensor to test my kids' bath temperature. The instructions told me to dip the card in the water. A green glow and the word OK meant the water was just right. And there was a final precaution: ''Always check with your hand before placing child in the tub.''

was impossible to ignore the couple in the booth next to ours. They were arguing so loudly everyone in the restaurant was staring. She repeatedly accused him of being unfaithful to her. He kept denying it. Finally she gave up, but not without a parting shot: ''Now I know how your wife must feel.''

was never my niece's strongest subject. After Stephanie's first year of university, she took a summer course to make up some credits. I ran into her one afternoon as the season was winding down.''How did summer school go?'' I asked.Stephanie rolled her eyes. ''It was so-o-o hard. Class was every morning between 9 and 12. Those were the longest four hours of my life.''

fashion-conscious mother died at age 85. At the wake, we gathered around the open casket to say goodbye. My 18-year-old daughter put her arm around me, looked in the coffin and quietly said, ''I can't believe she's wearing the same thing she wore yesterday.''