Health Jokes

Prices slashed

Here’s an ad for a hedge clipper that I had to read twice: “A built-in safety switch prevents accidental starting, and blades will stop when you take one hand off.”

How do I look?

My mother moved towns and went for her first visit to her new doctor’s surgery. The doctor looked through her extensive medical paperwork containing her health history and then looked at my mother... read more

Shocking display

My friend, who’s a nurse in an emergency department, was telling me about a patient who arrived with a gash in his head. Apparently the man was a farmer, and he and his son were working in a field... read more

Time flies

A young man recently came to the clinic I work at for an MRI and was put into the machine by an equally young, blond technologist. When the examination was complete, he was removed from the MRI... read more

Backed into a corner

I was a medic in the army. One day, I woke up with terrible back pain. I went to the sick hall, where I was told I’d be taken to the hospital. After an hour, the captain came over. “Sorry for the... read more

Take note

While rushing around the hospital, busy doctors can sometimes leave odd comments on their patients’ charts:

– “She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she... read more

Polite pilates

During a Pilates class, our thin instructor apologised to one of her larger students for blocking her view of the mirror
“Don’t worry,” the woman said to the teacher, “I can see... read more


My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. For the question “To what do you attribute your fitness issues?” the woman had answered, “Horrendous eating habits.”... read more

Deadly diet

At a conference I attended recently, a doctor was addressing a large audience. “The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here years ago,” he said. “Red meat is... read more


The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Getting results

A woman is feeling unwell, so she goes to her GP. He immediately spots the problem and says to her, “Take this red pill after breakfast with a glass of water.”


“Take... read more

Laughter is contagious

What’s the oddest thing about belonging to a support group for hypochondriacs? Every member calls in sick, but they all show up for the meeting.

The ayes have it

After a check-up, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss?”

“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s... read more

Food for thought

If a caveman from the Paleolithic era saw you turn down a cupcake because you’re on the “Paleo Diet”, he'd kill you with a sharpened seashell.


When I told my wife there was a huge spider in the bath, she screamed and said, “Put it outside!”

Now I’ve got a hernia – those old bathtubs can be pretty heavy…