The Quantum Physics Diet

Half of all adult women in modern cities are now PERMANENTLY on diets, a friend told me. I replied: “I’m shocked. Only half?” My other dining companion, a tech worker named Sheila, objected to my response. “That’s a sexist comment,” she said. “I’ll have you know, I’m NOT on a diet at the moment.”

​I pointed out that she HAD been on a diet all year, and was only claiming not to be on one now because she was halfway through a chunk of cheesecake so heavy that two waiters had wheeled it to our table. I could almost hear her brain weighing up her options: Abandon dessert and argue back or abandon principles and retain cheesecake? She shut up and dug in.

​But actually, she was right. It’s not just women. These days many guys, too, are permanently on diets. I went on a severe diet myself, about 18 months ago, just before I was due to visit to my tailor. Here’s my Diet Diary for that time.

DAY ONE. Morning weigh-in: Eww! Shocking news: I’m heavier than I’ve ever been. I’m determined to slim down. Breakfast: One cup of tea with no milk or sugar. Mid-morning break: One yoghurt. Lunch: Skinless fish with steamed vegetables. Mid-afternoon snack: Apple. Dinner: Steamed chicken breast, plus illicit side order of french fries that don’t count because they are eaten off my children’s plates. Dessert: One banana, followed by sneaked chocolate bar, which has no calories as it was eaten in the dark.

​DAY TWO. Morning weigh-in: No reduction at all! Disappointing. Breakfast: One cup of tea with no sugar but a bit of milk. Mid-morning break: Two yoghurts. Lunch: Steamed fish with side salad. Mid-afternoon snack: One tangerine, followed by entire pack of cookies which doesn’t count because no-one saw me eat them. Dinner: Salmon fillet with salad, plus an unofficial large roast potato with sour cream which doesn’t count because it was eaten standing up in the kitchen while clearing the plates. Dessert: Bar of chocolate eaten as reward for making it through the second day. Late-evening supper: Family-sized tub of ice cream eaten straight from the freezer.

​DAY THREE: Morning weigh-in: Arrgh! One kilo increase! How can this be? Breakfast: Eight small yoghurts, followed by three cups of tea with full-fat milk and three spoons of sugar in each. Mid-morning break: Two bars of chocolate and a large cappuccino washed down with another large cappuccino. Lunch: A whole barbecued suckling pig, with a tiny salad on the side. Mid-afternoon snack: A bag of apples and two more bars of chocolate. Dinner: An extra-large deep pan super supreme pizza. Dessert: A 1.5-kilo family cheesecake.

​DAY FOUR: Morning weigh-in: Gaaah! A further two-kilo increase! This leads to me to write an emotional e-mail to a friend: “That diet you recommended was completely useless. I tried it religiously for three days but it had no effect.”

​Anyway, I reckon most diets fail because of the laws of nature, in particular, the One-Way Dieting Principle: Skipping ten desserts causes you to lose one kilo, while eating one dessert causes you to put on two kilos. This can only be explained by quantum physics.

​But Sheila reckoned there was one indisputable difference between men and women on this subject. “Women always think they’re heavier than they are, while men think they’re lighter than they are,” she said.

That definitely rang true, I told her: “Every woman I know is on a diet, including the ones who are so thin they can pass through closed doors. While most guys I know insist their massive pot-bellies are pure muscle: from all the digesting, you see.” I patted my “one-pack”, which took several distressing seconds to stop wobbling.

​The good news is that lunch ended with my giving Sheila a guaranteed, hunger-free, instant way to get into at least average shape, or lighter: “Move to Nauru, a South Pacific island where 94.5 percent of adults are overweight. You’ll look like a twig.” I ducked as the last piece of cheesecake sailed over my head.