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These remarks will settle your nerves as you buckle up and prepare for take-off

These remarks will settle your nerves as you buckle up and prepare for take-off
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The mandatory safety speech before your plane takes off can be tedious, causing passengers to tune it out– and some smart, funny airline employees have caught on. So they’ve thrown sarcastic, frank, and just plain hilarious comments into their pre- and post-flight announcements. Collected from Mitchell Symons’ book The Weird World of Words as well as various Internet accounts, here are some of our favourite in-flight funnies.

Buckle up

Buckle up
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“Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”

Okay, sure, seat belts are pretty intuitive, but the belts on planes are not exactly like the ones in cars! Cut the passengers some slack. Or, rather, let it out by pulling on the buckle.

Once you’ve buckled up, follow these tips to make long-haul flights more bearable.

 

 

Crowd control

Crowd control
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“People, people, we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”

Plane passengers do seem to take choosing a seat very seriously. And while there are some known best airplane seats for every need, there’s no need to act like your airplane seat choice is a major life decision.

We’re all mad here

We’re all mad here
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“We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you’ll think of U.S. Airways.”

Who better to remind you of how crazy what you’re doing actually is than the people who do it for a living?

Here ares some things you’re probably doing on a plane that flight attendants wouldn’t.

Eye of the beholder

Eye of the beholder
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“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

For better or worse, this is not actually the reason they dim the lights.

Think you know your way around an aircraft? check out these hidden features you had no idea existed.

Fly-mon and Garfunkel

Fly-mon and Garfunkel
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“There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”

Remember, the closest exit may be behind you, in which case, just slip out the back, Jack.

 

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Favourite child

Favourite child
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“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”

It’s a good point that those safety informational videos only show parents with a single child fiddling with the oxygen masks. What do you do if you have more than one child with you? This flight attendant offers this, um, inadvisable suggestion. More realistic, though, is the admission that passengers in such a situation would, indeed, be ‘screaming’, not calmly sitting in their seats like in the demonstrations.

Cloud repair

Cloud repair
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“Weather at our destination is 12 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

Nothing like the one-two punch of a facetious remark about the weather followed by some brutal honesty.

Free souvenir

Free souvenir
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“Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”

If you were to have a water landing, getting to keep the flotation cushions is honestly the least you could ask for. Especially if you used the red tube to blow it up and got your germs all over it.

Find out here what polite people don’t do on airplanes.

Lost and found

Lost and found
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“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

Do you find packing tricky? Here are some genius packing tips from flight attendants.

 

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– The Reader’s Digest team