The mandatory safety speech before your plane takes off can be tedious, causing passengers to tune it out– and some smart, funny airline employees have caught on. So they’ve thrown sarcastic, frank, and just plain hilarious comments into their pre- and post-flight announcements. Collected from Mitchell Symons’ book The Weird World of Words as well as various Internet accounts, here are some of our favourite in-flight funnies.
“Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.”
Okay, sure, seat belts are pretty intuitive, but the belts on planes are not exactly like the ones in cars! Cut the passengers some slack. Or, rather, let it out by pulling on the buckle.
“People, people, we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!”
Plane passengers do seem to take choosing a seat very seriously. And while there are some known best airplane seats for every need, there’s no need to act like your airplane seat choice is a major life decision.
“We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you’ll think of U.S. Airways.”
Who better to remind you of how crazy what you’re doing actually is than the people who do it for a living?
“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
For better or worse, this is not actually the reason they dim the lights.
“There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”
Remember, the closest exit may be behind you, in which case, just slip out the back, Jack.
“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.”
It’s a good point that those safety informational videos only show parents with a single child fiddling with the oxygen masks. What do you do if you have more than one child with you? This flight attendant offers this, um, inadvisable suggestion. More realistic, though, is the admission that passengers in such a situation would, indeed, be ‘screaming’, not calmly sitting in their seats like in the demonstrations.
“Weather at our destination is 12 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
Nothing like the one-two punch of a facetious remark about the weather followed by some brutal honesty.
“Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.”
If you were to have a water landing, getting to keep the flotation cushions is honestly the least you could ask for. Especially if you used the red tube to blow it up and got your germs all over it.
“As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
“There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.”
This pithy warning, offers a pretty convincing reason not to light up in the bathroom – you wouldn’t want to become a ridiculous reason for a flight delay!
“Please be careful when opening overhead bins because, you know, shift happens.”
Every flight has someone announce to beware that items in the overhead bin might have shifted during the flight, but this flight attendant knows the funniest way to say it.
“In the event that this flight becomes a cruise, all of you lucky people get your own itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, yellow polka dot bikinis beneath your seat – minus the itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, and you get no polka dots…The beautiful bikini is equipped with a water-activated light. How in the world that works, I have no idea, so if you figure it out please do let me know.”
This flight attendant on Frontier Airlines totally gets how unsightly and confusing those rubbery, bright yellow life vests are. We can’t tell you why they’re that colour.
“My colleague on my right-hand side, his name is Steve Moore…He’s had a long and distinguished career with the Royal Air Force, spanning some decade or more, but luckily for us, he got rather bored of being a chef and has decided to take up flying.”
“If you need an additional reading light, just push the button above your head with the lightbulb on it. That’ll turn the light on. However, if you push the button above your head with the flight attendant on it, it does not turn us on.”
This announcer wanted to cleverly and hilariously put a stop on some of the more questionable things you should avoid saying to your flight attendant.
“That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.”
According to wanderings.net, this announcement came after a particularly bumpy landing in Salt Lake City. The attendant clearly wanted to make sure people knew what was really ‘at phalt’. We see what you did there, you phunny phlight attendant, you!
Sign up here to get Reader’s Digest’s favourite stories straight to your inbox!