15 funny weight loss stories that we’ve all been through

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert.

“The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’ ” she began.

“Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month – until you loathe it.”

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up and said, “Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?”

—David Martino

My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.

“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”

“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

—Katina Fisher

My sisters and I have weight problems and are always sharing diet tips.

One day my oldest sister was showing us a low-fat cookbook and pointed out a chicken dish she had tried the night before.

Reading the ingredients, I commented, “It looks like it would taste really bland.”

“It did,” she replied, “until I added cheese and sour cream.”

Although I knew I had put on a few pounds, I didn’t consider myself overweight until the day I decided to clean my refrigerator.

I sat on a chair in front of the appliance and reached in to wipe the back wall.

While I was in this position, my teenage son came into the kitchen. “Hi, Mum,” he said. “Whatcha doin’, having lunch?”

I started my diet that day.

—Betty Strohm

Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet.

One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.

Pleased with myself, I said, “How many fat men do you know who can do that?”

“One,” she retorted.

—R. T. McLaury

After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.

It was then I shared my dark secret: “I put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”

—Ruth J. Luhrs

My daughter couldn’t muster the willpower to lose unwanted pounds.

One day, watching a svelte friend walking up our driveway, she lamented, “Linda’s so skinny it makes me sick.”

“If it bothers you,” I suggested gently, “why don’t you do something about it?”

“Good idea, Mom,” she replied. Turning to her friend, she called out, “Hey, Linda, have a piece of chocolate cake.”

—Doris E. Fletcher

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power.

She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they’d eaten half of it.

The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned.

She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another.

By the time she’d polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

“What did he say when he found out?” one club member asked.

“He never found out,” she said. “I made another cake and ate half.

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day.

I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates.

We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful—we never felt hungry!

But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.

There, in fine print, was “Serves 6.”

—Barbara Currie

Mum and I were discussing our mutual weight problem one evening, when I challenged her to a contest.

If I lost the most weight in the next month, I wouldn’t have to pay her the $6 that I owed her. If she lost the most weight, I would have to pay up. Anything for an incentive!

“All right,” said mum happily.

“But let’s wait two weeks before we start. There are some things I have to eat first.”