25 dating deal breakers all women have – and men should definitely be aware of

It may sound a bit like the movie Failure to Launch, in which Sarah Jessica Parker plays a woman who gets paid to help motivate men to move out of Mum’s house…but this is a bona fide real-life phenomenon. As hard as it is for some of us to fathom, there are men who continue to live with their mums well into their 20s, 30s, and beyond. And that is a deal-breaker, says actress and filmmaker, Audrey Lorea. “It’s not that he lives with his mother so much as it’s a symptom of a host of other problems,” she explains. These include lack of motivation, co-dependence, emotional immaturity and a fear of commitment. “Moving out and living on your own is a huge part of personal development, and if a man hasn’t taken this leap, you should assume he’s stunted in other areas of his life as well.”

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This is also more common than you’d think (or than you’d like to believe). Men who remain under the same roof as their exes will offer up all sorts of excuses for doing so: the kids, the finances, the housing market. But none of them are valid, according to Dr. Madden, and a smart and emotionally healthy woman will not date a man who is living with his ex. It’s a deal-breaker. Period.

Friends are healthy. A man should have friends. But what about if he’s got a posse that he travels with, or, worse, that he brings with him on dates?

That’s a deal-breaker, according to Dr. Madden. “More is not the merrier if you are honestly trying to get to know someone,” she explains, and a man who routinely brings his friends with him when he goes out with you is friend-zoning you, whether he realises it or not. And if he’s not doing it consciously, then you need to do it for him.

“If we’re just starting to date,” agrees Lindsey Hall, a 28-year old single blogger, “please don’t throw me into a situation with five or six of your bros. Be respectful and take me out separately. Otherwise, it’s a deal-breaker.”

So, if travelling with a posse is a deal breaker, then shouldn’t it be music to a woman’s ears that a man is a lone wolf?

In a word: no.

“Women want to date men who have other healthy friendships or deep connections with people,” says therapist Colleen Andre, MA LMHC. “If they have no close friends or family that means all the attention good as well as bad is placed on you, which is a huge gap for you to fill.”

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Virtually all of our experts agreed on one thing: You can tell a lot about a man by how he treats those in the service profession, as divorcee and attorney, Randi Robbins, puts it. And if he treats them poorly, it’s a deal-breaker.

“A man who is rude to hardworking restaurant staff is revealing a preview of coming attractions,” according to behavioural expert, Wendy L. Patrick, JD, PhD. Duncan has seen it in practice, noting that “how he treats the server is how he will, at some point, treat me.”

Bottom line on this one: if a man can’t pass the “waitress test,” it’s a deal breaker.

“When I’m on a date, I give my undivided attention and I expect the same,” says Dr. LoTempio. “Otherwise, I don’t feel like we can connect.” And that means that divided attention is a deal-breaker for her. But she’s not the only one. Many of the single women and relationship experts we spoke to agree, and especially when it comes to men taking out their phone during a date.

“This should be a no brainer, but women tell me all the time that guys are on their phone,” says Dr. Madden, the relationship counsellor. Whether they’re texting with an ex or checking sports scores, it’s just bad form. As Michele Sonier, a 40-something single pilot puts it: “Just don’t take your phone out on our date.”

But the phone isn’t the only thing diverting a man’s attention. “Ogling other women is a full stop for any woman,” says Dr. Madden. “Yet some men go as far as to comment about other women while on a date.” It’s mind-boggling, and it’s a total deal-breaker even for bisexual women. “A man shouldn’t think that just because a woman is bisexual that she’s interested in cruising other women while she’s on their date.”

This is bad news, and it comes in many forms. For example, Robbins notices “if he fails to ask me questions and only answers mine. Or if he doesn’t appear to be listening because he doesn’t reflect back any of what I’ve said.” Sonier notices if her date is constantly talking about himself.

According to relationship expert Monique Homanan, “Women want to date men who are interesting and interested. Watch out if a man only wants to talk about himself, his job, his car, his friends, his hobbies, his bank accounts.” And about those bank accounts, Robbins would like to offer this tip to men: “Don’t talk about money at all. It’s uncomfortable. It reveals insecurity, and more importantly, a focus on materialism.”

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“If you get hammered within the first few dates, that signals to me that you don’t care to keep it together, and therefore, I don’t have time for it,” says Hall. “Sure, have a couple drinks to loosen up, and I will too, but women are weary of men who seem to have never left college.”

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This dirty, disgusting and dangerous habit is a deal-breaker for almost every non-smoker (the top reasons being bad breath, smelly clothes, health concerns, and just a general sense of “why would you do that?”). But it’s a deal-breaker according to our experts as well.

“It’s amazing to see how many people agree to date a smoker with the hopes of getting them to quit,” notes relationship expert, Concepcion. “They tolerate bad breath and second hand smoke just to be in a relationship. It’s a waste of time, bad for your health, and starts the relationship off with the need for someone to break a habit. Make it a deal breaker and move on!”

Hoffman says that even if you love to be a caretaker in a relationship, it’s too much, especially if you, yourself, have past or current addiction issues.

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“Many people can go on to have a healthy and fruitful relationship even after divorces or separation with kids. But several children with multiple women or a complicated ex can just trap you in the unnecessary mess and problems,” according to therapist Andre. Thirty-something singleton, Becky McKeown, recalls the time she went on a date with a man who had 13 kids from nine different baby-mums. It’s not a date she recalls fondly.

The reality, according to Hoffman, is that regardless of how deeply a woman is attracted to you, if you have a messy situation with your child’s mother, you’ll end up on her “do not date list”. And one way you can tell that a messy situation exists is if a man talks negatively about his ex on the first date; when Robbins sees this, she’s outta there because to her it means her date has unfinished business with his ex. For Robbins, it’s also a deal breaker if a man expresses animosity towards his children. “That’s a drama I want no part of,” she says.

Dr. LoTempio thinks that speaking ill of others in general speaks volumes about a man’s level of tolerance and kindness. In short, it’s a deal-breaker.