12 clues to spot a narcissist

The defining feature of narcissism is an excessive interest in oneself, which means they generally care very little about other people’s experiences. “Narcissists tend to have a diminished sense of empathy, meaning that it is difficult for them to attend and relate to the thoughts, feelings, and suffering of others,” explains psychologist, Dr Sander van der Linden.

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Narcissists make an incredible first impression, appearing to others to be confident, sexy, attractive, competent, warm, and funny. This means they’re often the most popular or most interesting person in the room as people feel drawn to their overwhelming charisma even without really knowing them, says research published in Frontiers in Psychology. However, the sparkly social veneer quickly wears thin as the more time you spend with them, the more the negative aspects of narcissism begin to take over.

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Because of the ego boost and power they provide, leadership roles are a natural draw for people with a narcissistic personality, according to a study published in Personnel Psychology. And, the researchers found, narcissists can make very good leaders – up to a point. That’s because eventually, people under them may begin to tire of them being exploitative, arrogant, and even tyrannical.

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It’s the narcissist’s paradox: they constantly denigrate and disparage others, yet they desperately need their admiration. This means they are constantly finding new friends who will praise and adore them, only to ditch them the second they start to get too real. “Seeking admiration is like a drug for narcissists,” explains Dr Mitja Black. “In the long run, it becomes difficult because others won’t applaud them, so they always have to search for new acquaintances from whom they get the next fix.”

Manipulation and exploitation are the narcissist’s modus operandi in relationships, Dr van der Linden says. Friends, family, and lovers are only good for what they can provide to the narcissist, whether it’s through feeding their ego or providing them with money, sex, advanced social standing or other things they want. Master manipulators can often sabotage a healthy relationship and transform it into a toxic relationship.

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Narcissists love nothing more than to talk about themselves and their own achievements, Dr van der Linden says, and the tendency to be overly braggy and arrogant is often one of the first tip-offs as to their true nature. But they don’t just say they’re the best, they genuinely believe they are better than others. “Delusions of grandiosity and a strongly inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement are hallmarks of narcissism,” he adds.

“Although some narcissists are more introverted, many narcissists react defensively and even aggressively, to personal criticism or failures,” Dr van der Linden explains. When confronted with a weakness, even in a neutral way, they can react with sudden and surprising outbursts of yelling, crying, anger, or other aggressive behaviours.

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The intense absorption with oneself often manifests in being very particular about appearance and wanting to be known as the hottest, most desired person in the group, according to research published in the Journal of Research in Personality. Narcissists put a great deal of time and energy into ‘creating a physically attractive veneer’ through exercise, expensive clothing, makeup, hairstyles, cars, accessories, and other public displays of power and status.

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Because of their feeling of entitlement and lack of empathy, narcissists are more likely to push for what they want and refuse to accept a negative or alternate response. And this tendency can even cross over into the criminal. A study done by the University of Georgia found that narcissistic men were far more likely to rape or sexually assault another person.

Insecure narcissism may seem like an oxymoron but the two go together more than you’d think, says Dr Zlatan Krizan. “These individuals still think they’re special, entitled, and they want to be great, but they just can’t do it,” he says. “As a result they’re vulnerable, their self-esteem fluctuates a lot, they tend to be self-conscious and not very proactive, but passive, shy, and introverted.”