14 body language mistakes you didn’t know you were making

Body language is an essential part of how we communicate with others, and in some situations, it can be even more important than our words. Understanding this unspoken language is largely an automatic and unconscious process, and it’s often the thing that gives people a “gut feeling” about you before you’ve even uttered a word. And it can either build trust and bolster your relationships or do the exact opposite. That’s why it’s so important to get right.

Most body language problems stem from one basic issue: incongruity. When your body language is out of alignment with what you’re saying, it sends mixed messages about your genuine feeling, according to body language expert, Dr Carol Kinsey Goman. This can make you look weak, insincere, or even devious. To help you avoid these kinds of misunderstandings, we asked experts to share the most common body language mistakes they see and how to fix them. Making these simple tweaks can go a long way toward changing how people perceive you and how you feel about your interactions at work and in social settings.

Standing with rounded shoulders, contracting your chest, and keeping your elbows tucked in close to your side may be your effort to look smaller or less intimidating, or it may just be poor posture. However, this stance makes you look weak and vulnerable, Goman says. How can you fix this? Don’t be afraid to take up space! “Keeping your posture erect, your shoulders back, and your head held high makes you look confident and powerful,” she explains.

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No one expects you to stand like a statue, but if you’re constantly shifting your weight or dancing around, it makes you appear as if you’re anxious to leave, says professor of communication studies, Dr Cassandra LeClair. The first step to fixing this problem is to realise you’re doing it in the first place, since it can sometimes happen unconsciously. When you find yourself engaging in this shifty behaviour, LeClair advises taking a moment to centre yourself and be more present in all of your interactions. If you are doing it to relieve some physical discomfort, either adjust your position (say, take a seat) or explain to the other person what’s happening, she adds.

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Casting your eyes up and to the left when you are recalling a story or an event is a common body language ‘tell’ that you might be lying, making you look suspicious or dishonest, says body language and relationship expert Nicole Moore. However, sometimes people unintentionally do this when they’re actually telling the truth, especially when they may be ‘searching’ their brain for a response.

To fix this, “make sure you look people in the eye when you’re recounting a story that’s truthful, and resist the temptation to roll your eyes back into your head,” Moore says. “Alternatively, you can take a deep breath, close your eyes as if you’re gaining composure, and then tell the story. This body language indicates depth and that you’re taking your time to recount the story, not that you’re lying.”

When someone is speaking to you, resist technological temptations and give them your full and undivided attention, says Tara Ackaway, CEO and founder of Social Wise Communications. Constantly looking around the room or glancing at your phone every time it alerts (even if you don’t actually read it!) communicates that you’re not interested in what the other person is saying and can make them feel uncomfortable opening up to you. Rather than holding your phone in your hand, put it in a pocket or purse, where you won’t be tempted to look at it.

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“Regardless of how comfortable you may be with your arms crossed, it is almost always perceived as a closed sign of resistance,” Goman says, adding that it can make you look like you are in a bad mood, nervous, or don’t want to be approached. Instead, keep your arms open, your hands loose, and your movements relaxed. “It’s the ultimate ‘see, I have nothing to hide’ gesture and sends silent signals of credibility and candour,” she explains.

Some people unconsciously speak with a higher voice. It may be because they are nervous or think it sounds ‘cute,’ or it may just be an old habit. However, the quality of your voice can be a deciding factor in how you are perceived, and speakers with higher-pitched voices are deemed less empathetic, less powerful, and more nervous than speakers with lower-pitched voices, Goman says.

So, make a conscious effort to lower your vocal pitch. “One easy technique is to put your lips together and say, ‘Um hum, um hum, um hum.’ Doing so relaxes your voice into its optimal lower pitch,” Goman says. “This is especially helpful before you get on an important phone call – where the sound of your voice is critical.”

You may be an introvert, you may be shy, or your cultural background may have taught you that extended eye contact is not appropriate. But avoiding eye contact can make you appear uneasy, unprepared, insecure, insincere and dishonest, Goman says.

If looking people directly in the eye makes you uncomfortable, focus instead on their eye colour, Goman suggests. “Whenever you meet someone, look into his or her eyes long enough to notice what colour they are,” she says. “That will help create a strong personal connection.”

You may not be familiar with this term, but you’ve definitely heard people use this vocal technique. Upspeak is when you end every sentence by raising the pitch of your voice, making it sound almost like a question. “There’s nothing that kills credibility faster than upspeak,” Goman says. “It makes it sound as if you are asking a question instead of telling someone [something] or seeking approval.”

Instead, speak authoritatively. How, exactly, can you do that? “When making a statement, start speaking on one note, raise the pitch slightly through the sentence, and then drop it back down at the end,” Goman advises.

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Never smiling makes you look depressed or intimidating, but smiling too much can also be problematic. “Excessive or inappropriate smiling can be confusing and undermines your credibility,” Goman says. The key is knowing when to smile. Pay attention to the conversation to make sure you’re smiling at appropriate times – such as when you first meet someone – and keeping a serious face when the conversation is serious.

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