34 of the funniest excuses ever uttered

We’ve all tried to come up with a believable excuse instead of just accepting defeat at some point in our lives. Some people are good at it and others crack under the pressure and blurt out something that’s clearly a lie. We explored a Reddit thread and asked Reader’s Digest readers to gather some of the lamest (and funniest) excuses that people have ever uttered.

My cousin once called out of work because of a “death in the family.” I was her boss.

Working as an apartment manager, I’ve heard every excuse for why the rent is late: Husband got laid off. Kids were sick. I lost the money order. Or simply, “I forgot.” But the most creative excuse of all was this: “I only had half the rent. So I went up to the casino to try to double my money.” — Mikki Sams Everett

From my coworker: “I don’t need a ride today, I’m not coming to work. Someone stole my towels from the laundry room and I’m going to track them down.”

My husband hasn’t been to the gym in over a year. One day, I asked him to come with me. “No,” he said, “I need to lose a few kilos before I go back.” — Sandra Curran Vero Beach

People at my high school used to tell a teacher that they had to leave early for Quidditch practice. Yes, she let them leave and apparently hadn’t heard at all of the sport, but she wasn’t from around here.

These are 16 of the most hilarious lies parents told their kids.

When our new hire didn’t show up for work, I called her. She explained that her mother had passed away and that she would need a few days off for bereavement. “Of course,” I said.

A week went by, and she still hadn’t returned to work. So I called again. This time, she said she had good news and bad. The good news: Her mother had come back to life. The bad news: She was sick again, so she had to stay home with her. —Benjamin Weber

These are 18 of the funniest things people have said – while they were sleeping.

My former roommate, on the phone with his boss, “I can’t make it today. My muffler… is to the left.”

My coworker on why he was late: “I Q-Tipped my ears last night, and went too far into my left ear. My alarm was on the left side of my head in the morning, and I didn’t hear it till now.” He was fired shortly after.

Once, when my dad received an invitation to do something he obviously didn’t want to do, he replied, “I can’t go. I have to change the furnace filter.” Now whenever anyone in my family doesn’t want to do something, that’s what we tell each other. — Debra Nelson Hugo