The 15 relationship questions marriage counsellors get asked the most

A marriage takes some work to keep it going strong. “Most of the time, my clients don’t understand what makes a good relationship,” says marriage consultant, Lesli Doares. “They also don’t understand how much power they have to create the relationship they want. They think others have it better or don’t have the same challenges, so there must be something wrong with them.”

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Infidelity is a common topic in marriage counselling. “I tell clients that what helps is counselling, promises that it will never happen again, and that they should work on their marriage,” says Dr Gilda Carle. Therapy will give you understanding and insight into what happened and why it occurred. Counselling can help you communicate better and give you peace of mind knowing that you tried to make things work if you do decide to step away from your partner and relationship.

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Don’t compare your issues to those of other couples. “There is always a range of ‘bad,’” says Dr David Simonsen.  “Your issues are unique to you. So ‘bad’ is a relative term I can’t answer that well.”

“You have to live your life outside these four walls,” Dr Simonsen says. “I’m not mad at you because you get to make choices in your daily life just like I do. You shouldn’t choose how to live based on how you think I may or may not feel as your therapist.”

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The fact that you’re in couples therapy is a good sign that you want to make things work: “Couples don’t want to waste their time in therapy if they’re focusing on divorce or if they’re feeling hopeless about re-establishing a connection with their partner,” says psychotherapist, Mindy Utay. “Couples therapy takes courage. It requires being vulnerable, truthful and honest, even when you feel you’ve been hurt and you’re worried about your future together.” She tells her patients that she isn’t there to save their marriage, and they shouldn’t focus on that either. Couples therapy is about learning how to communicate openly and honestly and how to identify what conflicts are causing pain, she says. “I tell them it’s my job to create a safe environment where they can be honest and open with each other about their relationship.” She redirects their focus. “I try to help them focus less on the outcome of the therapy, and see if they can re-establish a connection.”

When kids’ soccer practices, doctor appointments, and birthday parties rule your life, you may have to deliberately schedule some spouse time – no phones, calls, emails, or other multitasking. “You have to be vigilant about setting aside date nights,” says social worker and relationship expert, Rachel A. Sussman. “People fight this, but it’s important. If you just become co-parents, you lose the romantic connection. If date night is too hard, do a day date, or breakfast before work. Be creative.”

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Rest assured, couples therapy isn’t full of gloom and doom. “Of course, we’ll explore what brought you here to begin with,” says couples therapist, Dr Gary. “But we also want to look at your hopes, wishes, dreams, and desires for your relationship. If we just focus on the negative, without helping couples create a healthy vision of what a great relationship could look like, then it becomes too depressing.”

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“Often, discussions become arguments when people don’t feel they’re being heard or understood,” says social worker, Raffi Bilek. “The best way to stop this cycle is to interrupt it at any point and check that you’re hearing and understanding your partner.” Bilek suggests patiently and kindly asking your partner if they understand what you’re saying – and that you understand them. “If you don’t understand, ask for more explanation so you can learn to see it the way they do, even if you disagree,” says Bilek.

“Couples therapy isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach and therapists aren’t fortune tellers,” says marriage and family therapist, Laura Heck. That’s why Heck says you can’t know how long it will take to reach your goals. She says to ask yourself what your financial commitment is to bettering your relationship – and keep in mind that the average divorce costs $15,000. If you do weekly one-hour sessions for six months, that’s a 24-hour in-office commitment, she says. “Compare that 24 hours to the hours spent in endless fights, sleepless nights, and time feeling miserable and hopeless about your relationship,” she says. “I tell couples that I’d love a three-month initial commitment. Breaking bad habits and creating new ones takes time. I can guarantee that you won’t be doing that in four sessions or less.”

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“It’s not uncommon for couples to come to a marriage therapist reporting that they don’t feel the spark and intensity that they did at the beginning,” says marriage and relationship therapist, Linda Lipshutz. “An accumulation of the stresses, gripes, and challenges of the years together may have taken a toll on their intimate connection, leaving both partners bewildered and defeated.” However, she says that if you’re both on board to revitalise your relationship, results can be promising. “A therapist can be instrumental in helping you gain insight into any destructive patterns that may undermine your closeness and to learn more effective ways of speaking up.”