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Pot pusher

Pot pusher
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I once told my ex I had to push the plants deeper into the plant pots, while simultaneously pushing her out of bed with both hands. —Ninja_Guin

Check out these marriage tips from grandmas you’d be a fool not to follow.

Wishing machine

Wishing machine
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I once heard a friend say, “Just put it in the washing machine, and all your wishes will come true.” —RelentlessBlount.

Here are 16 things you never knew you could put in the washing machine.

Bed of roses

Bed of roses
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My boyfriend, who is a horticulture major and works hybridising roses, suddenly grabbed my arm in his sleep and said in a rather suggestive voice, “Sooo… are any of your seedlings repeat bloomers?” —Reddit User

Here are some tips on how to put your marriage back in the honeymoon phase.

Pushing his buttons

Pushing his buttons
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From my boyfriend: A really big exasperated sigh followed by “Pants with buttons. GROSS.” —cheshire_brat

Sweetness and light

Sweetness and light
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My wife: “It’s OK honey, it’s just the light. You don’t really look like a girl” —lotsalotsacoffee.

Here are some compliments you didn’t realise are actually pretty insulting.

Think pink

Think pink
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My ex talked in her sleep a lot. One time that really stands out, she said, “If you paint it pink, it’ll be worth more and last longer.” —electricballroom.

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Save the koalas

Save the koalas
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Was travelling Australia with my girlfriend. She chuckled and said, “It’s so simple. We get the koalas to do the washing up.” —ashpow.

Here are 15 funny animal memes you can’t help but laugh at.

Chilled tunes

Chilled tunes
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According to my friends, they had asked me a question not realising that I was asleep and I responded with, “just put it in the iTunes refrigerator.” —VelocityRAPTOR33

More death by burrito?

More death by burrito?
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My Dad: “Oh no! Burritoed!” —mandlebar.

Then fill your comic arsenal with these short jokes anyone can remember.

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Source: RD.com

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