13 daily habits of naturally polite people

Easier said than done, right? Studies show that most people have trouble remembering the names of people they meet. If you’re like the rest of us, etiquette expert Evie Granville – also a writer and a podcaster for Modern Manners for Moms and Dads – suggests associating the name of someone new with a memory or person in your life. For instance, “I might say something like, ‘Oh, your name’s Lauren? I still remember the first friend I made in school – her name was Lauren, too,’” she says.

“Naturally polite people smile,” Granville says. “When we walk into a room with a smile on our face, we’re inviting others to interact with us.” Why? Because our smiles are actually contagious. According to a Swedish study, people can’t help smiling back when they’re greeted with a smile. In other words, it takes people more effort to resist a smile than to simply follow the same expression.

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Granville says that naturally polite people make an effort to demonstrate when they’re engaged and listening to others. This means they not only respond with a smile or nod but also ask smart questions. “When we feel heard, our attitude toward the listener can dramatically improve,” Granville says. “Naturally polite people know this.”

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“Just because you don’t care for your neighbour’s landscaping doesn’t mean they need to know it,” etiquette expert Lisa Grotts says. “Think before you speak, and resist the urge to engage if your words will be reproachful.” Heather Nelson, author of Just Stop: 10 Things Everyone Should Stop Saying, says that polite people also slow down before they speak. “Polite people are those who shave precious seconds off their to-do list in order to be 100 per cent more courteous of the people around them,” she says.

“If drama comes up in a mothers group or girls’ night out, for example, the polite people are going to stay quiet or offer a different perspective,” Granville says. “Even if someone is gossiping, that doesn’t mean you need to lower yourself to their level,” Grotts adds. “Acknowledge it and move on by changing the subject. It’s a bit like shaking someone’s hand without pulling away – you just gently let go.”

“Don’t be a wallflower,” Grotts says. “Make your host feel happy she invited you. Then you’ll be invited back.”

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“Never ask for special favours such as, ‘Do you have another kind of cheese?” or say, ‘If the wine isn’t white, I’m not drinking it,’” Grotts says. “It’s one evening of your life. You can eat when you leave.” Grotts also says that particularly polite guests say thank you to their host not once, but twice, after the party ends. “Call or email the next day to say thank you and then mail a written note,” she recommends.

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“We’ve all made the mistake of putting something in writing, only to later regret it,” Grotts says. “If you put something in writing, sit on it. Send it to yourself and give it 24 hours. You may have a change of heart – or at least a change of words that are kinder.”

According to Granville, polite people avoid giving compliments tied to someone’s weight or physical appearance – especially if the receiver is a parent. “I don’t know any [parent] who’s eager to talk about their physical appearance, save for maybe a new hairstyle,” she says. “When you comment on someone’s weight or physical appearance – for instance, if you’re telling a new mother, ‘Wow, you look amazing. You’ve lost all of your baby weight!’ – what you’re really doing is saying, ‘I’m noticing your body.’ Even if you’re saying something nice, it might not feel that way to the person receiving the compliment.” Not all compliments should be vocalised.

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Granville says that this is one of the most important traits of polite people. “Never assume you know what is going on in someone else’s life. You don’t know if someone’s had a death in the family one day or been up all night with their baby,” she says. “When a parent is holding a crying child walking the aisles of Target, give them the benefit of the doubt. They’re probably doing the best they can to finish their errands before things get worse.”