14 ‘polite’ ways you’re talking about ageing that are actually rude

“People have been underestimating me because of my age for decades and saying I should retire,” says Sister Jean Dolores Schmidt, the 104-year-old nun who went viral for her cheerleader-level antics while working as the chaplain for the Loyola University Chicago men’s basketball team. And not only is Schmidt still working as a chaplain, a role she’s held for 29 years, she just published her first book Wake Up with Purpose! What I’ve Learned in My First Hundred Years. And she’s certainly not ready to retire, a suggestion she finds funny. “Just because I’m old doesn’t mean I can’t do things,” she says. “I’ve lived this long because I do things I love.”

Schmidt’s not the only person to encounter these assumptions about getting older. There’s still a strange stigma around age – and we say ‘strange’ because the fact is that we’re all ageing from the second we’re born. There’s no escaping ageing except, well, dying. And nobody wants that.

Even though we’re all getting older (right now, this very minute!), somehow we never think we’ll be ‘old.’ As a result, ageism runs rampant in society, not to mention in the workplace. These ageist attitudes lead to an us-versus-them mentality (hello, baby boomers and millennials), which just continues the cycle of negativity.

“Our perceptions of ageing and how we talk about it can directly impact our health and others’ health,” says geriatrician, Dr Scott Kaiser.

He explains how:

Psychologically: people with positive perceptions of ageing are more likely to live longer and thrive mentally.

Behaviourally: people choose to take better care of a body and mind that they love and plan on keeping for a long time.

Physically: an optimistic perception of aging leads to less stress and less inflammation in the body, which in turn leads to better heart health and a stronger immune system.

OK, so clearly the words we use to talk about ageing are important. But even if you’re respectful of older generations – discussing the topic of ageing with care and never using flat-out offensive terms – navigating this topic is still tricky. Just like with mental health etiquette, it’s not enough to know the etiquette rules and etiquette mistakes. You also need to be aware of polite habits most people dislike, including your choice of words. You may not realise it, but some of the ‘polite’ things you’re saying about ageing are actually rude.

We asked Dr Kaiser, along with belonging expert Ritu Bhasin and several folks over the age of 50, to share what they wish you wouldn’t say – and what to say instead.

Don’t miss these daily habits that might be ageing you prematurely.

Equating youth with beauty (and ageing with ugliness) is one of society’s most prevalent and most damaging stereotypes, says Bhasin. “Telling someone they look ‘so young’ may be intended as a compliment, but it’s reinforcing the idea that you can only be beautiful if you look young,” she says. “People are beautiful at every age!”

It’s a concept Genevieve Chevalier, 58, understands well but still struggles with.

“People used to always tell me that I looked younger than I am, often remarking on my lack of wrinkles. At the time, I appreciated it, but as I got older and those compliments slowed down, it made me feel really bad about myself. I poured tons of money into anti-wrinkle creams and Botox, trying to hold on to the ‘looking younger than I am’ idea,” she says. “It really got me down. These past few years, I’ve stopped all that and made a conscious effort to love myself, wrinkles included. But it’s tough because I feel like it’s an uphill battle against society.”

Say this instead: “You look so beautiful and happy – you’re glowing!” The key, says Bhasin, is to avoid commenting on their physical appearance at all. “There are lots of ways to compliment people without bringing in their age, skin, weight or other physical attribute at all,” she says. If you want to compliment their appearance, praise them for something they can control, like a well-put-together outfit or an intricate hairdo.

It’s normal to worry about a loved one’s health when participating in different activities, but age has less to do with the level of risk than other factors, including pre-existing health conditions and fitness level, says Dr Kaiser. Questioning someone’s abilities based only on their age is not just inaccurate but could actually make them fearful of doing things, causing their health to worsen over time. “We want to be encouraging people to continue living life to their full potential throughout their lifespan [and] empower people to continue doing what they love,” he says.

Surfing has always been Jack Abrams’s first love, and he is indeed still doing it at 65 years old – with his doctor’s approval, he adds. “The number of times I’ve had people tell me to stop kitesurfing because ‘it’s too risky at your age’ is mind-boggling,” he says. “I know they’re just saying it because they love me and they don’t want me getting hurt or dying, but you guys, this is what I live for!”

Say this instead: “You have your life jacket and sunscreen? Enjoy the waves!” You can express concern about someone’s safety and wellbeing without ever mentioning their age, says Dr Kaiser.

Here’s how to make a home safe for ageing parents.

How we talk about ourselves in relation to ageing is just as important as how we talk about others, says Bhasin. So telling someone you can’t do something because you’re a certain age reinforces the belief that people have to give up things they love simply because they’re getting older. Worse, it may give them an insecurity they didn’t already have, making them worry that others think they’re too old to, say, wear a cute short skirt.

“A good friend of mine said she was retiring all her crop tops because she felt that now that she’s past 30, it’s time she stopped ‘dressing like a teenager,’” says Chevalier. “I thought she looked great, and it made me wonder if she was judging some of my trendier fashion choices.”

Say this instead: “Who cares about fashion rules? I wear what makes me feel good!” Forget any imposed age restrictions and pick your clothes and activities based on what you enjoy, says Bhasin.

Most people see the phrase the elderly as outdated and disrespectful, says Dr Kaiser. For starters, people over a certain age aren’t a monolith – they’re individuals who often share nothing but a birth year. And the word ‘elderly’ is generally negatively associated with frailty and illness.

“What do I prefer to be called? My name works fine,” says Chevalier. “If you want to group me by my birth date, then you can say I’m a Sagittarius.”

Say this instead: the terms ‘older adults’ and ‘seniors’ are preferred when speaking of people over 60 years old. These terms are more inclusive and respectful, and they do not have the same negative connotations as the term ‘elderly’.

Anticipating a loved one’s need and offering help is one of the nicest acts of kindness – who doesn’t love an extra helping hand sometimes? “The problem isn’t the offer to help,” says Dr Kaiser. “It’s the assumption that the person can’t navigate a normal life thing due to their age.”

He adds that your belief that an older person can’t do something may lead them to believe they’re not capable – even if they are. The best tactic in these situations is to ask if they need help and then empower them to continue to do the task in some way rather than take it over for them, he says.

“I’ve made it a point to have active fun my whole life, which has kept me quite healthy,” says Schmidt, adding that she’s tired of people automatically thinking she’s disabled because she has grey hair.

Say this instead: “Would you like help going up the stairs? Would you prefer to take my arm or use the elevator?” Asking what a person needs, rather than assuming, makes all the difference, Dr Kaiser says.

On the other end of the spectrum from the constant unasked-for ‘helping’ is a push for older adults to stay independent as long as possible. “People see independence as praise for their older loved ones, but in reality, it often means isolation,” explains Dr Kaiser. “People of all ages need support, help and others checking in on them.”

Maria Montenero, 60, can relate. “My kids were shocked when I wanted to move into a retirement community because I am so independent,” she says. “And I can definitely still take care of myself. But I’m tired of being lonely! I’ve come to depend on my friends here, and that’s the best kind of dependence.”

Some older adults do relish the freedom of living solo, and in those cases, the key is to set up a support structure so they are empowered to take care of themselves but are still being cared for and checked on, Dr Kaiser says.

Say this instead: “How are you doing living on your own? What can I do to support you better?”

Don’t ignore these warning signs your elderly parent shouldn’t be living alone anymore.

People cracking jokes about their own ageing can be funny (and a good way to cope with the ups and downs of getting older). But making jokes about someone else’s age or about older people in general isn’t fun or funny.

“It’s still considered socially acceptable to make fun of someone’s age, but people often don’t realise that when they’re making negative jokes at the expense of ‘old’ people, they’re insulting their future selves as well,” says Dr Kaiser. “And I gotta say it: the jokes about getting old are … getting old.”

Besides, these jokes make it seem like we should be ashamed of our age. Instead, Schmidt says, ageing is something to feel good about. “I’m absolutely OK telling people how old I am,” she says. “Why wouldn’t I be proud of living past 100? Not many people get to say that!”

Say this instead: “Old age is a heck of a lot better than the alternative.” Take a page from this one-liner and pick a joke that is funny but not negative about ageing.

This is an incredibly common compliment, but upon closer examination isn’t really much of a compliment, says Bhasin. By telling someone they look great for their age, you’re implying that someone of that age should look ‘bad’ or that the standard for looking good gets lower as you get older.

Schmidt says she prefers to think about what people do more than what they look like, and that goes for herself too. “There’s a lot of negativity, and that can really get to a person, so every night before bed, I thank God for something, and I think of one thing I did well that day,” she says.

Say this instead: “You look great!” Just drop the “for your age” bit, says Bhasin. Looking happy, healthy, joyful, compassionate, fun and beautiful aren’t dependent on age at all.

Check out these habits of people who look and act younger than their age.