14 ‘polite’ ways you’re talking about ageing that are actually rude

We get it: you’re trying to be polite in the face of a forgotten birthday, name, meeting or get-together. But by brushing off the slip as a case of ageing memory, you may be inadvertently making the person feel bad about herself. “Don’t assume that just because someone is getting older they are cognitively declining,” says Dr Kaiser, adding that it’s normal for people of all ages to forget things sometimes. Besides, not all mental abilities decline as we get older. “There are some aspects of cognition, like pattern recognition, that improve with age,” he says.

That said, if you feel like your loved one might be suffering from dementia or cognitive decline, it’s important to have that conversation and get them medical help. But cognitive impairment isn’t inevitable simply because your loved one is ageing, says Dr Kaiser.

Schmidt points out that at 104 years old she still has an incredibly sharp memory. She even included anecdotes from her childhood during the Great Depression in her memoir.

Say this instead: “Don’t feel bad about forgetting my birthday. Mistakes happen!”

You might think you’re being polite by asking someone for their secret to staying young –after all, it implies they look good for their age. But now you know that implication is a big no-no.

Don’t compliment others by telling them they are ageing backward, and don’t buy into the anti-ageing propaganda yourself. And yes, it’s just that: propaganda. “There’s no such thing as ‘anti-ageing’ or ‘ageing backward.’ That’s just marketing speak designed to make people think they can stop ageing by selling them more products,” says Dr Kaiser. “We’re all ageing, and that’s a great thing!”

It’s a stance Abrams takes as well. “I’ve often wondered why anyone would want to be ‘anti-ageing.’ That either means they are pro denial or pro death,” says Abrams. “Getting older is a privilege, and not everyone gets to.”

Say this instead: instead of asking someone for their secret tips on how to look younger, ask them to share some of their life-earned wisdom. You might ask, “What is your top tip for finding joy?”

Describing someone as young at heart implies that their body is old and frail. And again, that equates youth with positive attributes and old age with negative ones, says Bhasin. What people typically mean with this so-called compliment is that you seem joyful, happy, exuberant or active – all qualities that aren’t unique to youth, she explains.

“You can’t choose to age, but you can choose how you experience ageing, and choosing happiness should be encouraged and recognised,” she says.

Say this instead: “I love your joy and zest for life!”

Don’t miss these everyday habits that can make you look younger.

Many people instinctively raise their voices when speaking to older adults, assuming the raised volume will help them engage in the conversation.

Yet only 14 per cent of adults up to age 60 and 33 per cent of those in their 60s and 70s have hearing loss. So the majority of people you talk to will be able to hear you just fine, and you shouldn’t assume that you need to yell. In fact, yelling at people can feel very jarring and upsetting, says Dr Kaiser. Even for people with some hearing loss, yelling doesn’t feel helpful, and if they’re using hearing aids, yelling can even be painful.

There are times when yelling is appropriate, like at a basketball game. But beyond that, you don’t need to shout, says Schmidt, who did our entire interview over Zoom just fine!

Say this instead: “Can you hear me OK?” is perfectly acceptable in situations in which someone doesn’t seem to understand what you’re saying. But ask it at a normal volume. When starting a conversation with an older adult, speak in a normal voice. If the person asks you to speak up, then go ahead.

Here are some silent signs of hearing loss you may be ignoring.

Companies go out of their way to seem polite when turning down job applicants. But while this phrase seems more polite than the alternative (“We don’t want you working here”), it’s also a common workplace euphemism used to exclude someone from employment based on their age, race or gender – all legally protected classes, says Bhasin.

Even though your age is one of the first things a job interviewer notices, there’s a reason it’s illegal to discriminate based on age: it’s not a good predictor of what kind of worker a person will be. (Your age also shouldn’t be one of your job interview questions.)

“I see this a lot in the tech industry, which, by the way, I work in,” says Abrams. “People think only younger folks will understand how to use technology or will have innovative ideas. The irony, of course, is that it’s us old guys who invented the systems they’re using!”

Say this instead: “Why don’t you come in and meet the team?” There are some personalities that just don’t jive, and it’s fair to take that into consideration, but make sure you’re basing that decision on how they interact with the group rather than assumptions about their age.

There’s an ‘age-liberation’ movement happening that encourages people to include their age along with their name and preferred pronouns. You’ll see this on name tags and in email signatures as a new rule of email etiquette. But while the intention is polite, it’s still focusing on the wrong thing, says Dr Kaiser.

“It shouldn’t matter what the actual number of someone’s age is in determining how we treat them,” he says. For instance, knowing someone’s pronouns will change how you address them, but knowing someone’s age gives you no extra relevant information. “We want to be treating 80-year-olds the same way we do 50-year-olds and 20-year-olds,” he says.

Say this instead: nothing. Don’t ask people’s age, and don’t base your treatment of people on their age. If you want to volunteer your own age, that’s up to you.

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Source: RD.com