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Wish you had a secret decoder guide to cat language and behaviour?

Wish you had a secret decoder guide to cat language and behaviour?
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Here’s a primer to things your cat wishes you understood.

Please do not disturb my nap on your laptop or keyboard

Please do not disturb my nap on your laptop or keyboard
ISTOCK/ANNA LURYE

You people talk and talk about how much you need to work on the computer so you wake us up and push us off, but we know what you’re really planning to do on them: watch videos of cats. Weird. Don’t you humans realise that cats must get an average of 12 to 16 hours of shut-eye a day, or we’re just useless? Also, our delicate cat bodies need the warmth from your computer: our ideal temperature is six degrees higher than that of you humans.

Now that you’ve got the facts on how much sleep a cat needs, here are some common “facts” about cats that are actually false.

Quit taking photos of me (I’m not a Kardashian)

Quit taking photos of me (I’m not a Kardashian)
ISTOCK/ELENALEONOVA

You humans can’t seem to stop snapping pics with your phones when you’re around us, but you resort to sneaky tactics like waving around fun toys to get our attention but dropping them as soon as we turn around. This is cruel. If we cats are willing to let you capture us on film, the least you can do is provide us with a bit of play time in exchange – or let a cartoon cat amuse you instead. There is one thing that you don’t have to worry about when it comes to photography: camera flashes do not harm cats’ eyes. But they will frequently produce a spooky glow caused by the tapetum lucidum, a layer of ultra-reflective cells in feline eyes which helps us see in low light.

Hands off the belly, ‘kay?

Hands off the belly, ‘kay?
ISTOCK/YURI_ARCURS

You assume that when we show you our stomachs, we’re being friendly. Yes, in some cases, this is a normal cat behaviour that signifies chumminess. But at other times, it’s the opposite – it’s cat language for ‘You wanna fight? Bring it on.’ Displaying the belly is a defensive move that shows potential enemies that all of our limbs and claws are primed and ready to go into attack mode. And there’s one other common reason we flash our tummies: we’re simply trying to stretch.

Read on for some dangerous mistakes cat owners should never make.

I am cat… let me scratch

I am cat… let me scratch
ISTOCK/MRTOM-UK

Just like you clip and file your nails so they don’t reach Guinness Record lengths, we cats must maintain our claws. One cat behaviour is by scratching, which helps us remove dead nail growth. There are two other important explanations behind why we scratch: we do it to mark our territory (we’ve got scent glands on our paws – how cool is that?) or to stretch (how do you think we stay so graceful?). Sadly, when a sofa or rug becomes our favourite spot to scratch, some of you resort to declawing us. We beg you not to – it would be comparable to your having the ends of your fingers cut off. Instead, get us a nifty scratching post (you might have to experiment with different models until you find one we like), rub it with a little catnip, and give us a treat whenever we use it.

 

I’m perfectly capable of bathing myself, thanks

I’m perfectly capable of bathing myself, thanks
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Some scientists speculate that today’s cats do not like to swim or get wet because ever since they were domesticated some 5,000 to 10,000 years ago, they’ve been protected from the rain and snow by human companions. In addition, it’s true that cat hair ‘doesn’t dry quickly and it’s simply uncomfortable to be soaking wet,’ Kelley Bollen, the director of behaviour programmes for the College of Veterinary Medicine at Cornell University told Live Science. Bollen added, “I also think because cats are control freaks and like [to have] four feet on a solid surface, they do not appreciate the sensation of floating.” Who needs baths and showers anyway? Cats are born complete with the essential grooming tools: paws, a rough, barbed tongue and saliva. But even though we hate being dunked in water, you must ensure we have enough to drink, especially if our diet consists of dry food (canned food is about 78 per cent water). Regardless of what we eat, always provide your cat with a separate water bowl and change and clean it daily.

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Don’t freak out when I bring you dead animal or insect ‘gifts’

Don’t freak out when I bring you dead animal or insect ‘gifts’
ISTOCK/NDREY STRATILATOV

Animal behaviourists have uncovered a few reasons for why we do this. We may be imitating what our mama cats did for us. You fill our food dishes every day, and since we’re not ingrates, we are returning the favour. Or, we might have caught, say, more crickets than we can consume so we thought you might like the leftovers. Finally, we could be giving our catch to you so that you can help us store it for later. Like scratching, bestowing such gifts is natural cat behaviour on our part so if you don’t like it, you might need to put a bell on us to prevent us from snaring anything.

I meow at you to tell you something specific, but when you meow at me, you’re not speaking cat language

I meow at you to tell you something specific, but when you meow at me, you’re not speaking cat language
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Scientists have identified more than a dozen different meows that cats make, each with its own meaning. In general, kittens use meows to communicate with their mums, but grown cats employ them solely to communicate with humans. (We use hisses, growls, squeals, and other sounds to talk to each other.) More perceptive owners can probably tell a cat’s “I’m hungry” meow apart from its “I’m bored” or discern “I’m hurt” from “I’m scared.” When you meow at us, we do recognise your voice but you may as well be squawking like a Charlie Brown teacher for all the sense you’re making.

We cats have no problems with (our) nudity

We cats have no problems with (our) nudity
ISTOCK/ANNA LURYE

Humans are filled with the merciless urge to inflict hats, ties, dresses and other clothing items on us. But what do we look like to you … dogs? We hate to feel enclosed or confined, and while you may catch us kneading on one of your sweaters, we’re merely enjoying the texture of the knit under our paws; that doesn’t mean we want to wear it and we certainly don’t want to wear it so we can star in cat memes. We don’t need clothes to stay covered: our coats contain up to 130,000 hairs per square inch. Fun fact: did you know that the surface area of a single cat, if you include all of its hair, is roughly the same as the surface area of a ping-pong table?

Quit blaming my hair for your allergies

Quit blaming my hair for your allergies
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Why are so many humans allergic to us? (Cat allergies are reportedly twice as common as dog allergies.) You don’t see any cats having allergies to humans, do you? And you humans are so quick to point to our hair as the culprit. But what actually causes your sneezes and coughs is a tenacious and super-adhesive protein found on cat skin called ‘Fel d 1.’ And we’re sorry to break it to you people who went to the expense and trouble of buying a so-called ‘hypoallergenic’ cat, but such a breed does not exist. Some breeds do produce less Fel d 1 than others, but all cats produce it.

Wondering how to survive the allergy season? Read on for some useful tips.

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– The Reader’s Digest team