How to fix a broken relationship: 8 expert tips

Why is this a good sign for therapists? Because it means at least one half of the couple will work really hard, says Sussman. “I use the metaphor of a couple dancing on the dance floor and then one person walks away in the middle of the song. That other person has to change, too. They’re not going to just keep dancing by themselves,” she says. “So if one person’s changing, there’s hope that the other person can change, too.”

In fact, even seeing a therapist on your own will be good for the two of you. When your partner sees how much you’re getting out of it, they might decide to go on their own, says McManus. “Sometimes this is all that needs to happen – no actual couples therapy is necessary.”

This is the flip side of the couple who has no respect for each other. If you aren’t constantly criticising your partner or saying really hurtful things on purpose, you probably are going to be more inclined to share your vulnerabilities with each other, says Louis. And doing that can bring you closer.

These are 11 daily habits of couples in healthy relationships.

Couples tend to be more invested in fixing their relationship if there are children in the picture. This isn’t always true. But Sussman has known partners, especially men, who leave a relationship thinking the kids are going to be okay – and then they’re not. Or they find that they miss their children too much. “Then they come back,” she says. “And when they do, sometimes they’re more motivated to do the work.”

Women, on the other hand, tend to think through how their lives will be when they can’t see their kids every day, notes Sussman.

Here are 17 secrets of the happiest families.

That’s the bottom line: if both of you are willing to put in the work you can save the relationship. But you have to keep an open mind and own your piece in it, says Sussman. “When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, that’s how you really create intimacy in your relationship. And at least your partner understands why you’re doing what you’re doing and then has empathy for you,” she says.

Well, of course, the pros would say that. But hear out their reasons: “First of all, we are trained in working with couples, watching their dynamic, being able to figure out their unique dance, and mirror it back to them in a way that they might not be able to do themselves,” Sussman says.

Therapists are also objective, in a way that family members or friends aren’t, says Louis. “Sometimes we don’t even know that we’re communicating in an ineffective way. And so that’s why it’s important to have an objective third party to really walk you through some of the patterns that you might be stuck in,” she says.

Plus, they can use science-backed data and evidence to convince you why what you’re doing (like nagging) isn’t effective, Sussman notes.

Yes, changing the way you interact with your partner can be tough to do on your own, but it’s not impossible, says McManus. And plenty of well-known couples therapists have resources to help guide you, including websites, books, podcasts, Ted Talks and YouTube channels. Among the therapists McManus suggests checking out: John and Julie Gottman, Esther Perel, and Ellyn Bader and Pete Pearson at The Couples Institute. “They are all fantastic resources for anyone interested in learning how to improve their relationship,” she says.

You’d also be a fool not to follow these marriage tips from grandmas.

Instead of attacking your partner for never washing the dishes, take a different approach. “I give this example to my couples – when X happens, I feel Y. I would like Z,” says Louis. So, for example, you’d say, “When I come into the house and the dishes are everywhere I start to feel overwhelmed. So maybe we can take turns: I wash the dishes one day, you wash the dishes another day. That will make me feel really supported.”

It works because your partner feels less defensive if you avoid using words like “always” and “never” and “you” statements. Instead, focus on your emotions, as well as what Louis calls a “recipe for success.” “So instead of just leaving it with a criticism, sharing what can their partner do for things to start to feel more balanced,” she explains.

Does this sound familiar? In the heat of the moment, you want to talk the issue out until it’s resolved but your partner can’t deal and withdraws. That’s pretty common actually, says Louis. It could be that your partner’s emotions are running too high to deal with right now.

Louis advises the following strategies instead.

A self-soothing coping strategy to fall back on can be beneficial when you get overwhelmed. “It could include meditation, going for a walk, or taking a hot bath, but it’s really important that couples have their own strategies on what they do to make themselves feel better, especially when a conflict arises,” Louis explains.

Instead say, “Let’s take a break and then in 20 minutes, we can come back and talk this through when I’m feeling calm again. Because right now, I’m struggling with staying emotionally present.” It’s crucial that you set a time when you’ll be back to resolve the conflict, says Louis. If one “person just walks away, then the other person is going to feel abandoned.”

Here are more communication fixes that could save your relationship.