Is your spouse micro-cheating? Here’s what that is and how to know

Although cheating is as old as time, you might be surprised to learn that people are still coming up with creative new ways to do it. Enter micro-cheating, the latest way people are stepping out on their relationships – but they may not even realise what they’re doing. Thanks to the rise of digital technology and the impact of current events, it’s no surprise micro-cheating is mega-trending.

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This phrase has been used recently to describe day-to-day actions that could be considered ‘inappropriate flirting’ when someone is in a relationship. The hallmark of micro-cheating is being emotionally and perhaps even physically focused on a person who isn’t your partner. “What is cheating?” is one of the questions sex therapists get asked the most. For a more detailed look, here’s what relationship experts say are some of the common ways people micro-cheat:

Texting flirty jokes and memes

Making a Tinder profile just to see how many matches/likes you get

Putting extra effort into your appearance in case you run into your crush

Google stalking a crush

Lying about your relationship status, either in person or online

Sending anonymous flirty messages, tweets, or posts

Liking and/or commenting on a crush’s social media

Discussing your sex life with someone who isn’t your partner

Constantly texting throughout the day

Sending ‘feelin’ cute’ or slightly revealing selfies to a crush

Hiding a friendship

Telling someone you’d date them if you/they weren’t married

Having inside jokes that your partner isn’t a part of

Inventing reasons to see or spend time with your crush

Confiding emotionally intimate things in someone who’s not your partner

Sexting, including graphic language and sending nudes

While these behaviours may seem innocent on the surface, micro-cheating takes harmless crushing to the next level and if left unchecked, can lead to a full-blown affair, says psychiatrist, Anisha Patel-Dunn. Even if it never turns physical, micro-cheating fits all the criteria for an emotional affair, and those can be even more damaging to your relationship, she says.

“In many cases, physical cheating is an impulsive act, often as the result of being temporarily impaired from drinking,” she says. “On the other hand, emotional affairs are intentional, and require a series of increasingly intimate decisions over a period of time.” Both types of affairs are terrible (and they can happen together) but it’s often the emotional aspect that is the hardest to recover from because it was premeditated, she says.

“It can feel easier to forgive a spouse for a one-night stand than for months of lying and deception,” she says.

These behaviours can feel like a grey area. Things that are totally innocent when done between friends become cheating when one or both people get feelings for each other, says marriage therapist, Dr Caroline Madden. For instance, having lunch with an old friend is a great way to reconnect, but if you have always harboured a crush on this person, a solo lunch all-too-quickly can lead to flirting. In addition, different people have different comfort levels in a relationship; some things that you may consider micro-cheating, your best friend may take more seriously.

When it comes to deciding if something is cheating, follow the Golden Rule principle. “Ask yourself, if you found out your partner was doing what you are about to do, would it hurt your feelings?” Madden says. “Transparency is everything. Any picture or text you send to a ‘friend’ should be able to be posted on social media or sent to your mother.”

However, don’t get caught up in black-and-white definitions as that can be a way to rationalise bad behaviour, Madden says. Only you know your own feelings and motives and it’s important to be honest with yourself about them. What other people think is irrelevant; the only person whose opinion counts in this conversation is your partner’s, Madden says.

“Bottom line, doing anything that your partner would have a problem with is cheating in your relationship. And, yes, this is in fact ‘real’ cheating. These behaviours are the beginning of the slippery slope that leads to a full-blown sexual affair,” she says. “This isn’t new, it just has been given a cutesy name to make it sound harmless. It isn’t.”

The pandemic and other disruptive current events have created a perfect storm for micro-cheating, Dr Patel-Dunn says. A lot of micro-cheating happens through digital means like social media and texting because it’s easier to hide or explain away than physical actions. And, thanks to working from home and lockdown orders, many of us are spending more time online than ever.

It’s not just spending more time at home, though. The upheaval of normal life has cut people off from their social support groups and coping techniques. Plus, spending extra time together in a stressful situation has made a lot of people see flaws in their relationship, which can lead to increased fighting. There’s been plenty of time over the last few years to ruminate on problems and idealise other people who aren’t in the thick of it with you, she explains.

“Since the pandemic started and many people are now working from home, I have many clients confide in me that they are surprised at how much they miss certain co-workers,” Madden says. “It turns out that the ‘special friend’ at the office was acting as a Band-Aid on a bad marriage by meeting their needs for respect, appreciation and emotional connection.” The extra time spent at home during the pandemic has made some people realise they are stuck in an empty marriage or toxic relationship, she says.

“The core issue is that current events have greatly increased anxiety and insecurity, putting people in a very emotionally vulnerable position,” Dr Patel-Dunn explains. “It’s normal for people to look for comfort and support from friends and loved ones during these times and sometimes that can turn into cheating.”

It can be difficult to tell when your spouse is micro-cheating, specifically because many of these behaviours can be innocent in the right context. So it’s important to look at other behaviours that may indicate they’re being sneaky.

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You can’t see notifications that pop up if your partner keeps their phone face down. Some micro-cheaters will go so far as to disguise texting apps as other apps or only chat within password-protected social media private messages, Madden says.

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Are there whole text threads missing with someone you know your spouse texts regularly with? “If they are deleting stuff so you don’t accidentally see something, even if it has nothing to do with sex, that is still cheating,” Madden says. “There’s a reason they feel like they have to hide it and it’s not a good reason.”

If you ask your spouse to put the phone away so you can have uninterrupted time together, and they can’t, that’s a red flag, Dr Patel-Dunn says. It shows they prioritise that ‘friendship’ over your relationship.

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“People caught micro-cheating will almost always claim they are ‘just friends’ with the person you are worried about,” Madden says. “If the other person has feelings for them, they might not even be aware that they are on a slippery slope.” Pay more attention to what your spouse does than what they say.