20 things even polite people don’t apologise for

If you say sorry so often that you can’t remember just how often, it might be time to rethink this habit. “Oftentimes we find ourselves reflexively apologising without really knowing why,” says Lisa Mirza Grotts, etiquette expert and founder of the Golden Rules Gal. However, this apologetic reflex may be doing you more harm than good. “Research shows that when we keep saying ‘I’m sorry’ it makes us sound weak and less respected by our peers,” she explains, adding that in some situations it may even make you take responsibility for things you shouldn’t. “Instead, try flipping the script to saying ‘thank you’ instead. It’s more positive and makes you appear stronger and in control.”

Still, some people may worry that not apologising may be impolite and that it’s better to be safe than sorry when it comes to polite manners. Not so, Grotts says, and to help you figure out the etiquette of apologising we asked experts to share common things people apologise for that they shouldn’t.

Everyone gets sick sometimes. That’s not a failure, it’s a fact of life. Yet too many people fear using their sick days and apologise to their boss and coworkers when they finally do. Apologising for using your sick leave is totally unnecessary and can hurt you in the long run, says Dr Kim Chronister, a clinical psychologist. “You are allowed to have personal downtime as long as it’s not excessive,” she says, adding that this includes mental health days. “Just be matter of fact. No need to spill emotional details at work or make excuses. Simply take a sick day and don’t apologise for it.”

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Buying someone a gift for their special day is a lovely gesture but it shouldn’t be an expectation, especially if you are in a difficult financial situation, Chronister says. “If you can’t afford to buy a gift, there’s no reason to apologise,” she explains. “If they truly love and care about you they will see your presence as the gift.” But just because you aren’t buying them a gift doesn’t mean you can’t give them anything, some of the best gifts are those that don’t cost a cent.

Interrupting others when they are speaking is a common etiquette mistake and one you should try to curb if it’s a frequent problem. However, we all do it sometimes and you don’t need to derail the conversation with an apology if it’s an accidental faux pas, Chronister says. “It’s okay to interrupt as long as it’s not mal-intended. It’s just about getting your point across and it happens sometimes,” she explains. Another issue is that some people, particularly men, see apologising too often as a weakness so learning to apologise less may help you be seen as more confident and competent, she adds.

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“You should never apologise for saying ‘no’,” Grotts says. You’re allowed to protect your time and other resources, to stand up for yourself, and to have your own opinions—unapologetically.

With Google at our fingertips, it may seem like there is no excuse for you to not know something but technology doesn’t have all the answers (and often has the wrong ones) and all of us are in the process of learning, Grotts says. “If you don’t know the answer to something, just say so,” she says. “Instead of apologising, see it as a good opportunity to learn something new.”

“Never apologise for someone else’s behaviour—that’s their job,” Grotts says. While it may be tempting to make apologies for your spouse, it’s important to remember that you are not responsible for another adult’s behaviour and it is not reflective of your own, she says. Even worse, apologising for their bad behaviour may inadvertently get you roped into the situation which will reflect negatively on you, she adds.

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Politics, religion and other hot button issues can feel too risky to even broach these days unless you know the other person already shares similar views but staying silent does a great disservice to society by discouraging open discourse and sharing of ideas. “Don’t apologise for having an opinion and for sharing it,” Grotts says. “Even though it may only be your judgement, it’s okay to voice it even if it’s not based on fact. That’s why it’s your opinion!”

Having constant access to phones means that people now expect instant replies to their texts, emails or calls. However, just because they expect it doesn’t mean you need to—and you don’t need to apologise for it, says Robin H-C, behaviourist, life coach, and author of Life’s In Session. This assumes that any text or call should be your top priority but if you respond to every non-urgent issue you’d never get anything else done, she explains. Instead, she recommends replying when you are able, skipping any apology and moving straight to the matter at hand.

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Apologising when saying no to an invitation may feel polite but it is likely not honest, and in the long run, honesty will serve you better, H-C says. “Are you really sorry you can’t go? If you were then you would find a way to make it work,” she says. “Usually people aren’t sorry, they just don’t want to go and apologising is a passive way to avoid telling them that.” It’s fine to say no to invitations without offering an apology or explanation; if it is someone you’d like to see at a different time, then tell them that and make plans to meet up in the future.