20 things even polite people don’t apologise for

Have you ever felt the need to apologise for other people’s feelings? If so, it’s time to take a careful look at your boundaries, especially in relationships, H-C says. “People who were traumatised or bullied as kids often make themselves responsible for the emotional climate of those around them,” she explains. “The truth is, you are not responsible for another adult’s emotions and you should not apologise for them.” If your partner is trying to use their emotions to guilt you into an apology, that’s one of the signs of an unhealthy relationship.

These tips will help you set and maintain healthy boundaries in a relationship.

Do you live in fear of a neighbour or friend just “popping in” to say hello because of the state of your home and then find yourself apologising over and over again for the mess when they do? Cut yourself some slack in this area, H-C says. “You’re the one who is living there in the mess, not them,” she says. “Really you’re apologising to them for witnessing how you live, and you shouldn’t need to do that.” Instead, she says the best way to deal with this situation is a little humour—”So I’m thinking about becoming a professional organiser…”

Many people say “I’m sorry” when what they really mean is “thank you,” says Amy Rollo, a psychotherapist. For instance, if you go to a full restaurant and the staff works hard to find a space for you, instead of apologising for inconveniencing them, express appreciation for their hard work, she explains. Both you and the other person will feel happier by focusing on the positive aspects of helping others.

In an ideal world, we’d all only leave the house once we were perfectly coiffed and put together. Real-life, however, means that people get sick, wake up late, run out of hot water, have a broken washing machine, or have any number of situations that cause them to go out in public looking less than their best. And that’s totally fine, Rollo says. “Don’t apologise for your appearance. If you are tired or stressed, just own that you are not perfect and this is part of you,” she says.

“Emotions should never be apologised for, you are allowed to feel what you feel,” Rollo says. This doesn’t mean you have free reign to meltdown on anyone in your path—how you express your emotions matters—but you don’t need to apologise for simply feeling a certain way. Many people have been trained to think they “shouldn’t” feel sad or upset but negative emotions are a part of human life and you’re allowed to be human.

There isn’t a parent on the planet who hasn’t had a little one cry, scream, or explosively vomit at the most inconvenient time. It’s a necessary, albeit frustrating, part of their development from infants to functioning adults—a fact that more people would do well to remember. So, while you should help manage your child as best as you can, you don’t need to apologise for their outbursts, Rollo says. “Instead of saying you’re sorry, let others know that you understand this is a difficult situation, and you thank them for being patient,” she says.

Many people feel they need to apologise for not wanting to have sex and it can cause tension in a relationship says Melanie Gonzalez, a marriage and family therapist. But your sex drive is like any other appetite. Would you apologise for not being hungry? “It’s very normal to not be in the mood sometimes and apologising for that implies that you should always want sex,” she explains. “Man or woman, sometimes you are not in the mood and that should be okay and accepted by your partner without them taking it personally.”

“Don’t apologise for things that are out of your control like a delayed flight, bad weather, or illness,” says Dr Amy Ricke, a psychiatrist with Your Doctors Online, adding that these things just happen and most people will be understanding, even if it messes up their plans. “Say something to acknowledge the other person’s disappointment or inconvenience, but do not take responsibility for events or circumstances you have no role in.”

Apologising before asking a question is very common, especially in women, Dr Ricke says. But not only is this unnecessary it could hurt your career and relationships. “You have the right to get more information or gain clarification, whether it be at home, work, or elsewhere,” she says. “If you feel that you are interrupting or inconveniencing the other person, you can say ‘I have a few questions for you, please let me know when it is a good time to ask’.”

Next, read on for the 13 daily habits of naturally polite people.

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Source: RD.com