Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. [...]
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Grounds for divorce
The wife left me a note on the fridge saying, “It’s no good – it’s just not working. I’m staying at Mum’s for a while.” I opened the door, the light came on and the beer was chilled. Goodness knows what she was on about!
So satisfying
“Where do you want this huge roll of bubble wrap?” I asked my boss. “Just pop it in the corner,” he replied. It took me three hours.
The bonds of marriage
A man is drinking with his wife when out of the blue he announces, “I love you.” “Is that you or the beer talking?” she asks. “It’s me,” he says, “talking to the beer.”
Punbelievable
Exit signs – they’re on the way out, aren’t they?
Act natural
Matt’s dad picks him up from school. Knowing the parts for the school play were chosen that day, he asks his son if he got a role. Matt announces: “Yes, I play a man who’s been married for 20 years.” “That’s [...]
This just in…
OMG. President Lincoln has been shot! Wait, whoa, my internet connection is SUH-LOW.
Playful paradox
I hate people who say that time travel is a stupid idea. It’s exactly that kind of attitude that lost us World War Three.
Savvy salesman
An old man at the end of a jetty is selling seagulls – $2.50 for one, or three for five bucks. A curious tourist goes up to him and says, “I’ll take one, please,” and hands over his money. The old man pockets the money, points to the sky and [...]
PC Joke
A new member of staff called John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at the same time. “That’s incredible,” says John. “Trust a geek to use two keyboards at [...]
Hair brained
I’d just like to say to any women out there having trouble keeping their hair out of their eyes: get a grip.
Brain strainer
I just poured some superglue into a non-stick frying pan. Someone’s about to be proved wrong.
Different wavelengths
I said to my boyfriend recently, “You know, we’ve been together for four years – I think it’s about time we started talking about the future.” I thought he was going to run for the hills – but he didn’t. He just smiled at me. Then he went, [...]
Are you game?
Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them deep into the wilderness to look for deer. After bagging six large bucks, they were loading the plane to return when the pilot said, “Hold on. This aircraft is only rated to carry four deer.” The two men [...]
Cyber dick
I enrolled in an online school to become a private investigator. I gave them my money, and then I never heard back from them. I thought: Either I just got ripped off, or this is my first case.
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