There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole – he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole – fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A [...]
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Check mate
When my sister was in high school, she went out with the captain of the chess team. My parents loved him because they figured any guy who took three hours to make a move was OK.
Pun fun
A book fell on my head today. I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
Two steps forward…
It’s a ten-minute walk from my house to the pub. Weirdly, it’s a two-hour walk from the pub to my house.
The friendly skies
An airline introduced a half-price fare for women accompanying their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the airline wrote to all of the wives who’d used the special rate, asking them if they enjoyed their trip. Letters [...]
Pardon?
A man sat on a train, chewing gum and staring vacantly across the aisle. Eventually, an old woman sitting opposite him leaned across the gap separating them. “It’s no good you speaking to me, young man,” she bellowed. “I went deaf years ago!”
Road worrier
Two elderly women out driving one day came to an intersection. The light was red, but they just carried on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn we just went through a red light.” At [...]
A golfer to the end
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bent and twisted 5-iron, standing over a lifeless man. A detective asks, “Is that your husband?” “Yes” replies the woman. “Did you hit him with that golf [...]
Jungle chuckle
Do you know why you cannot find any Aspirin in the jungle? Parrots eat ’em all.
Smart kitty
A man hates his wife’s cat. He decides to load the cat off next to the road. Getting home, he finds the cat waiting for him on the doorstep. Again he takes the cat for a drive, driving much further this time. Again, the cat is waiting for him by [...]
Wrong end
Feeling sick, my sister grabbed the thermometer from the medicine cabinet and popped it into her mouth. “Uh, Julie, that’s the dog’s thermometer,” said my mother. Julie spit it out. “Ewww, was that in Fitzie’s mouth?!” Mum hesitated before [...]
Wise crack
Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He’s trying to work out the combination.
Happy returns
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Silence is golden
A man entered a silent religious order where you were only allowed to say two words a year, to the Bishop. At the end of his first year the man was asked by the Bishop for his two words. As he had felt hungry often during the year, he replied [...]
Helping hand
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. [...]
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