A woman notices a man smoking and decides to educate him. “How many packs do you smoke a day?” she asks. “Three,” he says. “How much does each pack cost?” “Around $15.” “And how long have you been smoking?” “Ten years, why?” “Well, did you know [...]
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Noise cancelling joke
Frustrated by noisy neighbours one evening, my teenage son suggested my husband go round and tell them one of his 181. “But Dad’s jokes aren’t funny,” I reminded him. “Exactly!” my son replied. [...]
Our undefeated season
I played in a social mixed netball team in a league where you get to name your own team. We called ourselves “BYE Round”. So when our opponents read their weekly roster, they thought, “Sweet, we’ve got the week off.”
Time for lunch
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again [...]
Nose to the grindstone
As I left work today, my boss said to me, “I know your hours are nine-to-five, but can you work an hour later tomorrow?” I said, “Yeah, sure. See you at ten.”
Dial-a-diet
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you’d like to lose half a kilo right now, press “one” 18,000 times.
Drug underdose
My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.
Road rage
A guy in a van pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, “Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?” The Rolls owner nods. “So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?” The Rolls owner nods again. “Me too. What about a double bed?” “No. Do you?” asks the [...]
Slick joke
I’m not very interested in tobogganing, but I’d do it if pushed.
Sweet torture
Don’t tell me you have a chocolate lab if you’re just talking about a type of dog.
Love is blind
I’ve been told that when you meet the right person, you know immediately. How come when you meet the wrong person it takes a year and a half?
Terminal prescription
William came home from the doctor looking very worried. “What is it? asked his wife. “What’s the problem?” “Well, the doctor told me I have to take one of these pills every day for the rest of my life,” explained William. “So what?” his wife [...]
Top of the class
A university football coach called out the new member saying, “Look, I’m not supposed to have you on this team because you failed your maths exams but we really do need you to play for us. What I’ll do is ask you one simple [...]
Take two naps and see me in the morning
A man tells his doctor he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “OK, Doc. In plain English – what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just [...]
Wishin' impossible
A man was cruising on his motorbike up the California coast when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.” The biker pulled [...]
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